


Dead Man's Ballet

by Obsessive_mishamigo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Destiel - Freeform, Dom Dean, Domestic Violence, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Heart Break, Heroin, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Overdose, Sabriel - Freeform, Smut, Sub Castiel, Title is based on a song, dead mans ballet by sixx am, heroin diaries, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-06 23:09:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12828105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessive_mishamigo/pseuds/Obsessive_mishamigo
Summary: When the love of his life dies, Sam turns to drugs to cope, without Dean's knowledge.Follow this tangled tale of love and loss.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I urge you to please read the tags before continuing.

Sam was shaking. He knew he'd put a little more than normal in the needle. He gripped the bathroom sink hard and stared at himself in the mirror. He felt the familiar rush in his veins and sighed. 

He rolled his sleeve back down to cover the mark on his arm from the needle. He carefully folded the needle up in a tissue and took it to his room to throw away. He couldn't leave it in the bathroom for his brother to find. 

Sam hid this from Dean. In his mind, Dean had enough to worry about. He didn't want Dean worrying about him. Besides, Sam knew what he was doing. When he felt like he could be normal around Dean, he left his room. “Hey.”

“Hey, I've got a guy coming to look at the extra room tomorrow, but I won't be able to be here. Can I count on you?” Dean asked without really looking at Sam. 

“Yeah, no problem.” 

Dean looked at the clock and swore. “I'm late. Don't wait up!” he shouted as he flew out the door. 

Sam sank down on the couch. Dean was out again for another date. He had no idea where his brother found these dates. He didn't care. 

Dean watched the house as he sat in his car. “Wish you'd tell me what's wrong, Sammy.” He sighed and put the car in gear. 

The next day, Dean got an angry call from the person that was supposed to look at the room. “Look, we’ll reschedule. There's no need to be angry.” He listened to the guy say some nasty things about Sam. “You know what, forget the room, pal,” Dean growled as he hung up. “Sam isn't a piece of shit, you dick.”

Cole heard Dean. “Still can't find someone to rent the room?” 

“Nah, maybe it's for the best,” Dean sighed. “I know I can be hard to live with, but I won't stand for anyone saying shit about my brother.”

“What did this one say?” Cole asked. 

“Doesn't matter. He's not getting the room.” Dean grabbed the tool he needed.

“Why don't you look for a female roommate? Might cheer Sam up.” Cole suggested. “I know he's been down lately.”

“Cole, his girlfriend died. Wouldn't you be down too? He doesn't want to be around a reminder.” Dean felt bad for Sam. “I may just not rent it out yet.”

Sam bailed on showing the room to Dean’s appointment. “Hey, you have what I need?” he called his friend. “No, I'll come to you.” 

He walked over to Lucifer who was waiting for him. “You're late,” Lucifer said. 

“I know. Sorry. You have it?” Sam asked. Lucifer nodded. “Same price?” 

Lucifer eyed Sam. “You took too much the last couple of times. You don't come to me this often, Sam.” Sam shifted his weight and looked away. “I'll give you a discount this time, but you have to be more careful.” Sam stuck out his hand with cash in it.

“What do you care?” Sam shot. “Luce, you're my dealer. You're used to people disappearing.” 

“Yeah, I'm your dealer. I also know that you have a worse problem than my other customers. I like my customers. Don't die, Sam.” Lucifer handed him the drugs. “You're my most interesting client.”

Sam took out the tools he used to shoot up. Lucifer stopped him. “Go home. Sober up first. Then you can shoot up.”

Lucifer watched as Sam walked away. He knew Sam was on a dangerous path. He was soon distracted by his phone. “Hey, little bro.” Lucifer had an idea. “You still want to move out?”

Dean got another call about the room. He wasn't actively looking to rent it out, but this was the fourth time this number had called him. “Sure, you can come by tomorrow and look. I'll text you the address.” He sent the information to the guy. 

The next day, Sam was getting ready to get his latest fix when a knock on the front door distracted him. He hid his supplies quickly. 

Dean was talking to a guy Sam recognized. Sam's eyes went wide. “Sam, this is Gabriel. He's interested in the room.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Sam pushed past them and went out the door. His breathing was fast. 

Dean shook his head. “Sorry, Sam has been going through a rough time lately.” 

“Mind if I speak to him? I don't want the room if he's not going to be okay with it too.” Gabriel played it off as if it were really about the room for rent. Dean nodded and Gabe stepped outside. 

“What’re you doing here?” Sam asked as Gabe approached. 

“Luce told me about the room. He didn't say anything about his client living here.” Gabriel looked carefully at Sam. “Whatever has you going to him, I hope it's worth it.”

Sam looked at Gabe strangely. “It's none of your business.” 

Gabe smiled sadly at Sam. “I can't believe I fell for one of Lucifer’s tricks again.” Gabe shook his head. 

“What does that mean?” Sam was curious. He eyed Gabe carefully. He realized a moment too late that he was checking Gabe out. 

Gabe noticed this and blushed slightly. “Exactly that. Luce has been telling me about you for months now. He's right. You are my type.” 

“I'm nobody’s type.” Sam turned away. “You can have the room if you want it. Just don't tell Dean what you know.” He heard Gabe walk back inside.

Sam followed slowly. He heard Gabe talking to Dean. “I don't think I'll take the room. Sorry to waste your time, but will you give Sam my number?” Gabe asked. He knew Sam was listening. 

“Yeah, but I wouldn't expect a call. Like I said, he's had it rough.” Dean sounded concerned. 

“Everyone has baggage,” Gabe said as he walked out. He made eye contact with Sam but said nothing. 

Dean saw the look on Sam's face. “Should I keep trying to rent the room?” 

“I don't care,” Sam said and went back to his room. Sam texted Lucifer. 

S: sending your brother to spy is low.

L: I didn't send him to spy. He wants to move out. 

S: Is that why he hit on me? If you didn't have the best stuff in town, I’d go somewhere else. 

L: I wouldn't let you go anywhere else. 

Dean tried to give Sam Gabe's number. “If he's not going to rent the room, you could at least be nice and make a friend.” 

“I have friends.” Sam wanted out of this conversation. 

“When was the last time you spoke to any of them?” Dean pressed. He watched Sam who shifted uncomfortably. “You can either talk to this guy or go out with me tonight to the bar. Some of the guys from work will be there.”

Sam groaned. “Why is this such a big deal to you?” 

“Because you haven't done anything in months. Sam, I've been patient. Either socialize or get a job or go back to school, but you must do something.” Dean spoke firmly. His tone softened. “I know it was hard to lose Jess. But it's been over a year. You have to move on.”

Sam knew Dean was right. “Fine. What kind of bar?”


	2. Chapter 2

Gabe saw him from across the crowded room of the bar. Sam was hard to miss since he was taller than most. Gabe decided to fight his desire to seek out the tall, handsome man. 

Sam saw Gabe and groaned internally. He kept face for Dean who he figured would force him to talk to people he didn't want to talk to. Sam decided strong drinks were necessary to get through the night.

“Not going to share, Sammy?” Dean said as he grabbed a whiskey from his brother’s hand. “Slow down. We just got here.”

Sam tossed back two more when Dean wasn't watching. He was glad his brother was too busy scanning the crowd for a one night stand. Sam noticed Gabe again. He was talking to someone. 

He realized he was being dragged in their direction. Dean had been pulling him. Sam tried to get away but it was useless. Dean had a firm grip on Sam's shirt. They were standing in front of two good-looking men. Sam noticed the color of Gabe's eyes matched the drink in his own hand. 

“This is my cousin, Castiel.” Gabriel introduced the guy beside him. 

Dean offered to get them drinks and disappeared. Castiel followed Dean. “Your cousin?” Sam questioned. 

“Jealous, Sambo?” Gabe eyed Sam who clearly wanted to be elsewhere. “We could get out of here.” 

Sam looked for Dean. “Dean's not going to let me leave. He forced me to come.” 

“Is that why you keep tossing drinks back like they're water?” Gabe had been watching him. 

“Do I need a reason to drink?” Sam asked sourly. 

Meanwhile, Dean watched his brother from the bar. “I thought you were getting drinks.” Castiel sat next to Dean. 

“He needs to slow down. He keeps tossing them back when I'm not looking.” Dean kept his eyes on Sam. “What's Gabe like? Sam hasn't spoken to anyone but me that much in the last year or so.”

“He's the fun one in the family,” Cas replied. His reply was quiet for the loudness of the bar. He watched his cousin with Sam. He was focused on them when Dean ordered their drinks. 

“Here.” He handed Cas a drink and saw the edge of a bruise on his arm. “What happened there?” Dean pointed out. 

“Oh, nothing. Just clumsiness really.” Cas tugged down his sleeve to cover the bruise completely. “I should warn you. My cousin likes tall guys.”

“And I like guys with stunning blue eyes,” Dean found himself replying. He berated himself internally. “Sorry, I'm not here for me tonight. Sam needed a night out.”

“Doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself too,” Cas replied sipping his drink. 

“You're not the type I'm looking for,” Dean replied. “You don't strike me as a one-night stand type.”

“Neither do you.” Cas turned to face Dean. “You do it only for his sake.” He nodded toward Sam. 

“I prefer it if I can take my time with a person,” Dean acknowledged. “But Sam comes first right now.”

“When he doesn't, let me know?” Cas handed Dean his number. He disappeared into the crowd. Dean saw Sam being led from the bar by Gabe. His phone buzzed. 

G: he's trashed. Taking him home. Have fun. He says you just want to get laid. 

D: yeah, he's drunk. His keys are in his back pocket. 

Dean looked around for Castiel. He decided to text him. 

D: want to get some food? Gabe took Sam home. 

Cas agreed and Dean picked him up just a few blocks from the bar. “Walking home?”

“Gabe drove.” He shrugged. “How does Sam know him?”

“He came by to look at the room we were going to rent out.” Cas realized Dean didn't know Sam was hiding something. Cas tugged on his sleeve again. Dean noticed. “Nervous?”

Cas shook his head. It was a lie but not for the reasons Dean thought. Cas was lost in thought and hadn't realized Dean was speaking again or that they'd arrived at a restaurant.

“Are you okay?” Dean asked. He watched Cas carefully. “I can take you home if you're not up to it.” 

Cas nodded slowly. “Sorry.” He kept his eyes averted. 

“Cas,” he paused. “Is calling you Cas okay?” Cas nodded. “You don't need to apologize.” 

He sighed. “You asked me out and I'm flaking on you. Yes, I need to apologize.”

“You're not flaking.” Dean stared at him. “Something is going on in that pretty head of yours. When you want to talk, you have my number. It might take me a bit to find a free minute to pick you up, but I will. I work a lot of extra shifts.”

“Sam doesn't contribute?” Cas shifted the subject off himself. 

“I didn't make him get a job after he lost his girlfriend. He dropped out of school and lost the scholarships that helped with bills. He's just struggling right now.” Dean wasn't sure why he had said all of that. 

Cas could see Dean was a private person. “I won't tell Gabe. Sam needs to tell him.”

Dean drove to where Cas indicated. “You'll tell me when you're ready, right?” Dean gazed at Cas with soft and understanding eyes. “Whatever is going on with you is deeper than you're letting on.”

Cas looked up. “Just because Sam is hurting doesn't mean I am.”

“Tell me you're not hurting so bad you wanted to bail on getting something to eat with me.” Dean kept his gaze on Cas. Cas glanced away. “So you'll tell me, right?”

Cas met Dean's gaze. He took a steadying breath. “You just met me. Why do you care so much?”

“I need to know if you're worth my time. Being with me isn't easy. I need to know if I can trust you, and I know trust goes both ways,” Dean admitted. He knew being honest was the only way he would get Cas to trust him. 

Cas looked back down at his covered arm. “Give me some time?” Dean nodded and Cas went into his house. 

Michael was waiting for Cas. “You didn't do the dishes, again.”

“I'll do them in the morning. You could have done them,” Cas replied quietly. 

Michael eyed him. Backtalk wasn't like Cas. “Who drove you home? That wasn't Gabe's car.”

“A friend. Gabriel ended up helping another friend out.” Cas hung his jacket up. “Michael, can we please not fight tonight?”

“Fine.” Michael watched Cas carefully. “I don't like it when you hang out with Gabe. He's a bad influence on you.”

“Why? Because he’s fun and encourages me to have fun?” Cas was getting angry. He’d had a nice time going out with Gabe and meeting Dean. Michael was ruining it.

Michael became angry too. “Gabriel helps keep Lucifer in business. You know that!”

Cas sighed. “Tonight I saw him genuinely care about someone. He did none of his usual tricks.” Cas thought of how his cousin had interacted with Sam. “It was nice to see him actually care.”

“I don't think he's the one you're talking about.” Michael was suspicious. “Who brought you home, Castiel?”

Cas saw Michael clench and unclench his fists at his sides. Cas knew what was coming and didn't answer. He tried to walk away, but Michael grabbed him by the arm a little too hard. 

“Don't let Gabe's foolishness rub off on you,” he said darkly. He shoved Castiel into the wall hard. 

Cas hit his head and he knew there were new bruises on his arm. He'd gotten away easy this time. He was able to get to his room and lock the door before Michael decided to do anything else.

Cas had a text from Dean. 

D: I had a nice time tonight. 

C: Sorry I bailed on dinner. 

D: rain check. Just means you owe me a date. 

Dean was kind. Cas had never been with someone as nice as Dean. He wondered if that was just an illusion. 

Dean found Sam in his room. Gabe was with him talking quietly. He knocked on the door. “Sammy, you okay?” 

“I'm fine, Dean,” Sam sounded annoyed. 

Dean nodded and left him alone with Gabriel. Sam looked at Gabe. “That goes for you too. I'm fine.”

“You can lie to your brother, but you can't lie to me, Sammy.” Sam glared at him for using the name his brother had called him. “I know you're hurting. I know Lucifer only cares as long as he gets paid. I don't know what he gives you, but it can't be good.” 

“Get. Out.” Sam said quietly. 

“Sam,” Gabe whispered. “Normally, I would have taken advantage of you being completely trashed.” His eyes met Sam's. “You're hurting and I want to help you.” He held Sam's hand.

Sam flinched. He wasn't ready for anything close to this. Jess wouldn't want it. He pulled his hand away. “Please don't. I-I can't.”

“Because I'm a guy?” Gabe asked carefully. He kept his voice low. 

Sam hesitated. “I'm just not ready for anything.” He stared into the honey golden brown eyes. His breathing was slower than normal. “The guy part, I don't know.” 

“You feel something or you wouldn't even consider me.” Gabe smiled softly. “Just don't die because of the drugs. I won't get the chance to know you if you do.”

“I know what I'm doing,” Sam replied. He looked around, paranoid that he hadn't hidden his supplies. 

Gabe put a hand on Sam's face to check his temperature. “How long has it been? You can't have any with the amount of alcohol you drank, but in the morning you should be okay.”

Sam avoided eye contact. “A day. It's been a little more than a day. Dean forced me to go out before I could fix it.” He tried to sit up better in the bed. 

“You're sweating already. What have you been taking?” Gabe knew signs of withdrawal. 

Sam kept his mouth shut. He wasn't about to tell Gabe. If Lucifer hadn't ratted him out, then he wasn't going to do so himself. Seeing him hold out, Gabe rolled up Sam's sleeve to reveal a series of track marks. 

“I thought so.” Gabe was sad. “Heroin is the only drug that has such quick withdrawal symptoms. It's not going to be an easy night.”

Sam was quiet. “You should go. I can handle it.”

Gabe sighed. “Sam, I'm not leaving. I can see it in your eyes how badly you want your next hit, but I'm telling you, you can't mix it with booze.” Gabe was showing Sam he cared. He was pleading with Sam not to get high. “I've seen it do things you don't recover from,” he added quietly. 

“You're just Lucifer’s little bitch, aren't you?” Sam said in a flash of anger. “Keeping me alive so I can keep buying from him, making him rich. What do you get out of it?”

Gabe ran a hand through his hair. “You're right. I normally do that. I'm his fixer. He didn't send me for you, Sam. I don't think he realizes how bad off you are.” He checked Sam's temperature again. “He hasn't a clue I'm here. I was at the bar to meet someone else. They didn't show, but I stayed when I saw you.” He touched Sam's jawline gently.

Sam clenched his jaw. “You toy with others and what? Get them clean for a bit? Then leave so they fall back hard?” 

Gabe looked ashamed. He sat up straight. “Yes, it's what a fixer does,” he said softly. “You don't want to get clean. I can't help you if you don't want it.” 

“I don't need help,” Sam said sourly. He started shaking harder and curled in on himself. 

Gabe silently went to get water and a rag for Sam. He came back and gently dabbed the damp rag on Sam's face. “You don't have to believe me, but I'm not doing this for him. I'm doing it for you.” He took care of Sam as the withdrawal symptoms kicked in harder. Gabe knew the alcohol had made it happen faster.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam was sick for a couple of days. Dean didn't question that Gabe hadn't left since he dropped Sam off from the bar. He saw Gabe caring for his brother, and he realized Sam was letting him. Dean didn't want to ruin whatever was going on with them. 

“Hey,” he poked his head into Sam's room. “Just letting you know I'm going out with Cas.” 

“Don't do anything I wouldn't do,” Sam joked which caused him to cough. 

Dean caught Gabe's attention. Gabe came to the door. “Is he going to be okay? Do I need to stay?” 

“He’ll be fine. He's got me,” Gabe reassured the older brother. 

“You haven't slept in days.” Dean looked at his phone. “Gabe, I really appreciate what you've been doing for Sam, but it's just the flu. You should go home and get some rest too. I can reschedule with Cas.”

“Don't do that. Cas needs a night out.” Gabe fished around in his pocket for a second. “Here, if the night leads you there, you can take him to my place. Nightstand drawer has everything you need.” 

Dean hesitated to take the keys from Gabe. “If you wanted to be alone with him, you should just ask.” He looked over at Sam. “He looks awful. Has he lost weight?”

“Stop worrying. You're going to be late.” Gabe shoved Dean toward the front door. He closed Sam's bedroom door behind him so Dean didn't come back. 

Dean picked Cas up. “Sorry, I'm late. Sam's been sick, and Gabe hasn't slept in days, or left.”

“He's been staying there?” Cas sounded like that was unusual. “Dean, Sam doesn't have a drug problem, does he?” 

Dean got defensive. “What the hell, man? No, he's got the flu. Why would you say that?” 

Cas could hear the slightly veiled anger in Dean's voice. It reminded him of Michael. “Gabe's brother sells drugs. Gabe gets people clean for a bit. Then when he breaks their hearts, they run back to Lucifer for more,” he said nervously. “I didn't tell you that. You didn't hear it from me.”

Dean was curious now. “Why not?”

Cas kept his eyes dead ahead. “Lucifer might be a drug dealer, but he's also dangerous. I had hoped Gabe would get away from him.” 

“Yeah, well, if he keeps staying at my place, this Lucifer will need a new henchman to do his dirty work.” Dean was almost amused. 

Cas perked up a little. “Can he? Stay with you guys, I mean. He told me about the room for rent.”

“He didn't want it. Actually, he gave me his keys tonight.” Dean was still a little shocked by the gesture. 

Cas blushed and looked away. They pulled up to the restaurant. Awkwardness sat between them. With Cas looking out the window, Dean caught a glimpse of a new bruise peeking out of Cas’s collar. He reached over and gently touched the area. 

Cas whipped his head around. “Don't,” he whispered. His eyes darted around. “Dean, I don't think it's a good idea for us to be together.”

“Who is doing this to you, Cas?” He gently ran his thumb along the other's cheek. “Who has you so scared you're afraid to be with me?” 

Cas shivered at the touch. “Please, don't ask.” It was obvious to Dean that Cas was afraid of someone. 

“Don't be afraid of me. Whoever is hurting you isn't here.” Dean kissed Cas’s forehead lightly. “I won't hurt you.”

Cas looked confused. He said nothing until he ordered food. Dean didn't want to push Cas. “Why do you keep looking around?” 

“Sorry,” Cas mumbled as he ate. Their food was a welcome distraction for him. 

After dinner, Dean knew he needed to make Cas feel safe. “I get the feeling you don't want to go home,” he said softly. 

Cas looked at the ground. “Not yet.” 

“Cas, do you live with the person who hurts you?” Dean asked. He stepped closer to Cas who was leaning up against the car. “You're not using me to get out of a bad relationship, are you?”

“No, Dean, I'm not seeing anyone.” Cas avoided the first question. 

“How can I get you to trust me?” Dean's voice was barely a whisper. There was practically no space between them. 

Cas could feel the warmth of Dean's breath on his neck. “Can you trust me?” 

Dean watched the lips form the words. “You're a flight risk. I shouldn't, but somehow I find it exhilarating and hot.” His eyes jumped from the lips in front of him to the eyes. He closed the gap and their lips met. 

Cas wasn't ready for the kiss. He was still thinking of what Michael would do if he found out. But all thoughts of worry and fear went away as Dean kissed him. 

Dean leaned into Cas, the car supporting both of them. He felt Cas give in to what he really desired. He felt him let go of his fears. Dean deepened the kiss allowing for his tongue to flit in and out. Cas did the same. He moaned slightly as Dean pressed closer.   
Slowly, Dean broke the kiss. “Should we take Gabe up on his offer?” His eyes soaked in every inch of Cas’s face. 

Worry started to creep back into his mind. “I don't know, Dean.” 

“Would it make you feel better to use safe words?” Dean asked carefully. Cas nodded. “Choose something to stop and one to slow down. If I ever overstep or do something you don't want or like, please use the words.” 

Cas thought for a moment. He'd never been with someone so considerate before. “Is this always what you're like?” he found himself saying out loud. 

Dean smiled. “Why would I be something I'm not? That's exhausting. You've never had safe words before.” He watched Cas carefully. 

Cas shook his head. “I get it, but I don't know what to choose.” 

“What's your favorite color?” Dean asked. 

“Purple.”

“Okay, purple will be stop. And green, my favorite, will be slow down.” Dean kissed Cas lightly. “Shall we make a mess at your cousin's place?” Dean teased. 

Cas kissed Dean. He wanted to feel safe, even if it was temporary. He agreed to take Gabe up on the offer of using his apartment. He texted Gabe. 

C: staying at your place with dean.

G: You know where I keep things. 

C: M is still home. 

G: he's still doing that?

C: how's sam?

G: deflection doesn't get you out of this conversation. We will talk about this. Sam is on the mend. Tell dean.

Dean had seen Cas send the letter M as part of a text. He knew that was who was hurting Cas. Cas relayed the message from Gabe regarding Sam. 

“Tonight is about you,” Dean replied. 

They arrived at Gabe's place. Cas realized Gabe hadn't cleaned up recently and began to tidy up. Dean wrapped his arm around Cas’s waist and pulled him to face him. 

“His place. He can clean.” Dean held Cas close. “Are you nervous?” Cas nodded. “Remember the words?”

“Green is slow down and purple is stop,” he said quietly. Dean leaned in and kissed any worries he had away. He felt Cas release tension in his back. 

Dean kissed him harder and firmly gripped his ass with one hand and the back of his neck with the other. Cas caved into him. He teased the bottom of Dean's shirt, sliding his hands under slowly. 

Dean stripped Cas’s jacket off and slipped his hands beneath his shirt. He soon had the shirt rising above his head. Cas hesitated. Dean eyed him. “You can use the words if you need to,” he gently reminded him.

Cas averted his eyes. “I just didn't want you to see this yet.” Dean lifted the shirt fully. Bruises and a few scars decorated his torso. 

Gingerly, Dean kissed the scars, avoiding the bruises as not to inflict any pain. “I saw the text. M can't hurt you. Not tonight,” he whispered into his ear. He felt Cas shiver. 

Dean kissed his neck and moved his hands lower, pausing to caress the hipbones. Cas moaned. He removed Dean's shirt and stared. Dean kissed him again. “I like the way you stare,” his voice was heavy with desire. 

This almost made Cas come in his pants. He pressed against Dean. Dean expertly undid both sets of pants. He took Cas to the bedroom and found the drawer Gabe had mentioned. 

“This feels wrong, doing this in my cousin's place,” Cas said. 

Dean reached down and teased him in his boxers. “Do you want to stop? You know the words.”

“Green,” Cas gasped. “Green or I'll come in your hand.” 

Dean smiled. “Lie down and get comfortable.” He dug around in the drawer to explore what toys Gabe had. He found a few he liked and a new bottle of lube.

He straddled Cas and removed his boxers. Cas stared eagerly. Dean slipped a cock ring down the shaft in front of him. Cas moaned at the touch. Dean enjoyed the sounds Cas was making. Slowly, Dean teased his entrance. It was tight and needed a lot of prepping. “It's been a while for you, hasn't it?” 

Cas could only nod as he moaned and bucked with each movement Dean made. Dean leaned down and teased him with his tongue. Cas got louder. Dean slowly put his mouth around the exposed cock and held the base firmly with his free hand. As he stretched Cas, he sucked hard. Cas was a mewling mess beneath him. 

Once Cas was close to stretched out, he slipped in a plug causing Cas to gasp and jerk up. Dean sat up on his knees at the same time. Cas teased Dean for a brief second before taking him in his mouth. He gripped Dean's ass. Dean moaned as Cas moved back and forth. He held Cas’s head in place and bucked his hips quickly. 

Cas tapped his side. “Green,” he breathed hard as Dean removed himself. Dean removed the plug and slipped in. He gave Cas a second to breathe before he started to move. Cas gasped and Dean paused. Cas reached down and pulled off the ring that was keeping him from climaxing. 

Dean watched him and picked up the pace. He moved faster with each thrust. Cas called his name. Dean wrapped his hand around the exposed member and matched his rhythm. Cas cried out and soon spilled all over himself. Dean climaxed inside of Cas hitting his prostate once more. Cas couldn't speak. 

Dean caught his breath and began to clean them up. He made sure they didn't make a mess on the bed. Cas slowly came down from the high of the endorphins. He searched for his clothes and his phone. 

Dean watched him. Cas was scared again. He stepped in front of Cas. “Don't go.” He could see Cas wanted to run. “You're safe here.”

Cas stared into Dean's green eyes. “It's going to be bad if I stay.” 

Dean kissed his forehead. “Let me keep you safe, Cas.” He wrapped his arms around him. “I wish M didn't hurt you.” 

“Michael.” Cas looked away. “My brother.” 

Dean was appalled. “How could your brother do this to you?” He was angry at Michael.

“It doesn't matter.” 

Dean hated to see the look on Cas’s face. He couldn't explain why he felt attached to this person he barely knew. He saw the small, black bracelet on his own wrist. “Here, this will do until I get you a real one.” It looked like a black hair tie. 

Cas looked confused. “I don't have hair to tie up.”

Dean smiled. “It's for security, to show you're mine. It symbolizes a promise from you to me that you will trust me to take care of you. It is a promise from me to you that I will take care of you, no matter what you need.” 

Castiel's eyes widened. “A submissive-dominant bond,” he whispered to himself. “Dean, I can't do this to you. I can't ask you to be part of my life.” He tried to hand it back to Dean. 

Dean closed his hand around it and kept it in Cas’s hand. “Don't you understand? I want this. I want you. Will you accept this makeshift collar?” 

Cas stared at the object in his hand and then at Dean. “I can't promise things will be easy or good.”

“Just always be honest with me. Tell me when you're hurting or scared. Remember the safe words from tonight. We’ll keep those. Anytime you need me, do not hesitate.” Dean kissed Cas and slipped the tie around his wrist.


	4. Chapter 4

Sam was feeling a little better. “What does Dean think it was?”

“The flu.” Gabe watched Sam. 

Sam glanced around the room. He realized it had been a couple days. He frowned. “Why am I sober? I was fine the way I was.” 

Gabe was quiet for a moment. “What do you remember from the last few days?”

“You picked me up at the bar. I'm not even sure why I let you. Dean came by a couple times. It's kind of a blur.” Sam shrugged. “So?”

“You don't remember telling me about her?” he seemed a little surprised. 

Sam was shocked. “I did?” Gabe nodded. “What did I tell you?” Sam was nervous. 

Gabe answered as carefully but as honestly as he could. “You said you were trying to buy her a ring. You were scared Dean wouldn't let her move in with you guys. Then you said her death was your fault.” 

A sharp intake of breath made Sam's lungs hurt. He was shaky when he spoke. “I haven't even told Dean.” He felt the color leave his face. 

Gabe reached out for his hand. “It's okay, Sam. Your secrets are safe with me.” 

Sam watched the hand on his. “Why did you stay?” 

“You needed me. Withdrawal hit you hard, and Dean would have taken you to the hospital.” Gabe took his hand back. 

Sam kept staring, missing the hand. “Guess I owe you.” 

Gabe shrugged. “Why do you say her death was your fault?” 

Sam looked away. “We had gotten into a fight. I said some pretty nasty things. She was pretty upset and angry. She wasn't supposed to be driving. Her car was found wrapped around a tree.” A tear slid from his eye. “I told her if she didn't think we should get married then she should just leave.” He wiped his eyes. 

Gabe sat silently as Sam spoke. “You loved her. That's why it hurts so badly. But why didn't you tell Dean?”

Sam shook his head. “Dean doesn't understand. He's never been in love. That's why I could never tell him Jess and I wanted to get married.” 

They were quiet for a moment. “Gabe, why do you care? Why did you really stay?” 

He shook his head. “I thought I had a shot. You've got a lot of healing to do before I even have a chance at you.” 

“Me?” Sam silently wished Gabe's hand was still on his. “Not sure you want me. I'm clearly a mess. I didn't see it before. All I saw was freedom from the pain.”

“Does this mean you'll get clean?” Gabe tilted his head a little. 

Sam hesitated. “I want to say yes, but honestly, I don't know.” 

“Do you remember being angry with me?” Gabe seemed to switch subjects. Sam shook his head. “You were sobering up from the alcohol and hitting withdrawal hard. You figured out what I do. I don't want you thinking I'm doing that now.” 

Sam thought hard. “Lucifer’s fixer.” Gabe nodded. “How can I trust you?” 

“Won't matter what I say. You'll trust me as much as you trust yourself which isn't very much.” Gabe wanted to reach out for his hand again but resisted the urge. 

Sam wished he lived a different life. It was a common thought for him. “I told you about Jess. So I probably trust you more than I do myself.”

“When you get clean, I want you to stay clean. Don't relapse.” Gabe wanted to know Sam would be okay. “I don't want to hear about you from my brother anymore.” 

“Luce just thinks I'm a heartbroken junkie.” Gabe nodded, confirming Lucifer believed the lie he'd told him. “I don't want the pain to come back.” 

Gabe gave in and took Sam's hand. “Don't let it. Move on.” 

“Dean can't know.” 

“Dean can't know what?” His brother was at the door. 

Gabe jumped to his feet as if he'd been caught doing something inappropriate. He blushed on command. “That I fucked him silly when I gave you my keys.” He didn't sound ashamed. 

Sam paled and buried his head in the bed. Dean was stunned enough he left the room and shut the door. 

“Why the hell did you say that?” Sam panicked. “He's gonna think…”

“What? That you and I are together? Pretty sure he already did. I've been here for four days solid taking care of you.” Sam felt like disappearing into the bed. “Would it really be so bad if we were?” Gabe blushed noticing Sam trying to disappear. 

“I,” he stared at Gabe. “I don't know.”

Gabe sat on the edge of the bed. “What do you want?” Sam opened his mouth. “Not the heroin.” 

Sam sat up. “I want the pain to go away.” The ghost of what he'd had with Jess lingered in his eyes. 

Gabe kissed him. Sam kissed back. He wanted this. Gabe pulled back. Sam wanted more. “Not yet. You have to get clean, Sammy. I can't be with you if you're one of Lucifer’s.” 

Sam got up and took a small box of things out from behind the dresser. “This is it.” He handed the box to Gabe. 

“You can't cold turkey,” he advised. “You've sweated out one high, not the addiction. How long have you been doing this?” 

Sam took a shaky breath. “Since Jess died. A little more than a year.” 

Gabe looked at the box in his hands. “It won't be easy.” He looked back up at Sam. 

“Will you help me?” Sam asked. He looked embarrassed. He didn't want to put this on Gabe. “You don't have to. You've already done a lot for me.” 

Gabe wanted to kiss Sam and tell him everything would be alright, but he knew the ugly truth. It would be a long hard road for Sam. “I think that the best thing you can do if you really want this, is to go to a rehab facility. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks.” He saw Sam try to protest. “I want to be with you, but I can't if you're still hooked. I won't take that risk.”

“It's happened before, hasn't it? That's why you understand about Jess.” Sam watched Gabe carefully. “What happened?”

Gabe took a steadying breath. “Kali was killed because she couldn't resist her addiction. She was buying from Luce when a drive-by happened. It was a rival dealer of my brother's. Lucifer told me she had lit up on the spot and smoked so much she would have overdosed anyway. The toxicology report confirmed it.” He couldn't face Sam. “It's blamed myself for a long time too. I should have stopped her. I could have gotten her clean, but I realized she never wanted help.”

Sam spoke quietly, “I do.” Gabe turned around to face him. Guilt, confusion, hurt, self-loathing, and fear were evident on Sam's face. “Dean has been the best brother. All I've done for the last year is make life hard for him. He deserves a better brother.”

“So be better.” Gabe’s voice was soft. “You deserve a better life too. I want you clean for selfish reasons. You don't want to let Dean down.”

“Or you.” Gabe didn't say anything but it was obvious Sam had surprised him. “You've been good to me.”

“I do anything for my friends. But you want more than that.” It wasn't a question. “So do I, Sammy. Don't get clean for me or for Dean. Get clean for yourself.”

Sam gave him a questioning look. “How do you do it? How do you get others clean then leave them hanging?”

“I don't get attached. You're different, Sambo,” he smiled. “You're not like other junkies.”

“When you came to look at the room, were you really here for that?” Sam asked a question that had been bothering him. 

Gabe nodded. “Lucifer only pays my rent if I work for him. My day job doesn't pay enough to cover my bills. I've been wanting to get out of the game.”

Sam was quiet for a few moments. “Which rehab do you recommend? And what do I tell my brother?”


	5. Chapter 5

Cas nursed his bleeding shoulder. He checked it in the mirror to see how bad it looked. Dean had been swamped with work all week. He kept his promise. 

C: new cuts courtesy of m. Can I stay with you tonight?

D: yes! Do you need me to pick you up?

C: it’d be better if you didn't. M gets worse when you do.

Dean hugged Cas carefully when he opened the door. Dean was exhausted, but Cas came first. Dean kissed his forehead. “Gabe took Sam out tonight. I told him to take Sam to his place for a few days.” He noticed Cas avoiding eye contact. “Hey, what happened? Look at me.” His tone was soft and caring. 

Cas looked at Dean. There was a new cut just under his eye. Dean wrapped his arms around the man who winced when he did. Dean peeked under the collar of his shirt at the wound on his shoulder. He took Cas by the hand and led him to the couch. Quietly, he removed Cas’s shirt and began to doctor him up. Cas gripped the fabric tightly but didn't make a sound when Dean cleaned the wound with alcohol. 

Dean sat in front of him. “Why does he do this to you?”

“He was drunk. He didn't mean to. Michael is afraid I'll leave.” Cas looked down but not at Dean. 

“Cas, he can live without you. You can't live with him. He's too dangerous.” Dean held his hand.

“He needs me. He might hurt me when he's drunk, but no one else will take care of him. You'd do anything for Sam.” Cas shifted slightly. “He's my brother.”

“I'd do anything to protect Sam. Michael is supposed to protect you. That's what big brothers do.” Dean stood up. “I got you something.” 

Cas looked up and Dean pulled something from his pocket. It was a thin black cord with a single purple and green bead on it. “I wanted it to mean something to you,” Dean said. He replaced the makeshift collar with the new one. It still sat on Cas’s wrist, but Cas wanted it that way. 

Cas kissed Dean to show gratitude. Dean was careful not to touch the new injuries. He searched the blue eyes in front of him. “I'm sorry I've been so busy. I want to make more time for you.”

Cas shrugged one shoulder. “It's not a big deal.” Dean continued to hold him. Cas felt safe in his arms. “I miss this.”

“Miss what?” Dean asked. 

“Feeling safe.” He met Dean's gaze. “You make me feel safe. When I see this,” he pointed to the collar, “it helps. It calms me when I'm scared.”

Dean smiled. “I'm glad it helps. Have you been telling me every time when you're hurting?” 

Cas shook his head. “I didn't once. It wasn't bad though.” 

Dean gave him a look. “You need to every time. When he hurts you, I need to know so I can take care of you.”

“He didn't hit me that time,” Cas admitted. Dean waited for a full answer. “Michael doesn't like that I'm gay. I tried dating women, but I never could follow through. When I started dating guys, he started fighting me.” 

“Do you fight back?” Dean asked. 

“I used to. I never won.” Cas stepped away from Dean. “Eventually, I stopped fighting.”

“Why doesn't Gabe help you? He knows what's going on.” Dean couldn't fathom anyone hurting Sam like Cas had been. 

Cas looked embarrassed. “Gabe gets hurt too. Whenever he comes over, Michael beats him too.” 

Dean sat on the couch. “Sit with me?” 

Cas sat and they watched tv. Dean nodded off during the show. He wasn't used to watching tv since he worked so often. Cas didn't want to disturb him. Quietly, he got up and washed the dishes in the kitchen. He found some leftovers in the fridge and fixed them for Dean knowing he hadn't eaten dinner. 

Dean woke to the smell of food. Cas had cleaned the kitchen. “You should be resting. Your shoulder is pretty rough.” Cas kept moving around. Dean stepped behind him. “Watching you clean and cook is hot.”

“You should eat. You haven't eaten dinner.” Cas tried to turn around but Dean wrapped his hands around his waist. Cas felt warm breath on his neck. “Dean, you need to eat.” 

Dean kissed his neck and took the plate of food from his hands. Cas stood there a little uncomfortable. “How did you know this wasn't Sam's?” 

Cas was grateful for the subject change. His shoulder hurt more than he wanted to admit. “Sam hasn't been eating much. He looked really thin last time I saw him.” 

Dean played with his food. “Yeah, something is going on with him. He won't talk to me.” 

Cas watched Dean play with his food. “It's nice you worry about him. He's lucky to have a brother like you. Have you asked him what's going on?”

Dean shook his head as he shoved food into his mouth. “Gabe knows whatever it is. I'm afraid he's gonna break Gabe's heart.” 

“Don't be worried about Gabriel. He can handle himself. If he is falling for Sam, there's a good reason for it. Gabe doesn't work this hard for just anyone's attention.” Cas sat down at the table hoping Dean would take a hint. 

Dean was too involved with his food. He quickly finished his plate and poured them both a drink. “How's your shoulder?” 

“It hurts, but it's manageable.” Cas stared at his drink. 

“Michael had better pray I don't meet him.” Cas was shocked to hear the thinly veiled threat. He stared at Dean with wide eyes. “You should stay over more often. He can't hit you if you're not there.”

Cas breathed quickly. He didn't like moving that fast in a relationship. “Green,” he whispered. 

“Will you still stay tonight?” Dean understood what had happened. Cas nodded slowly trying to slow his breathing. “I won't ask you to do anything you're not ready for.”

Dean found his way back to the couch. Cas sat on the floor beside Dean. He looked up at Dean who was puzzled. “The couch hurt my shoulder a little.” 

“What if you leaned against me? Would that be okay?” Dean asked. He didn't want to push it with Cas. He realized Cas still didn't really trust him. Cas got on the couch and leaned against Dean. Dean wrapped one arm around him. “Does it hurt?”

“No.” Cas wished they would sit like this more often. It was calm and peaceful. 

“I like this. You relaxed, I mean. You stay tense and worried all the time.” Dean kept his words carefully. He ran his fingers through Cas’s dark hair. “I wish I could help you more, but work has been crazy since that idiot Adam hurt himself.” 

“Are they only giving you the extra shifts?” Cas asked. 

“I think so. If not, Cole picked up a few. Maybe Jo did one or two.” Dean sat quietly. 

Cas thought of the way Dean had called Adam an idiot. “You called Adam an idiot, but you actually care about him. How bad was he hurt?”

Dean was a little surprised that Cas had picked up on that. “He was in the hospital a couple of days, but he's stuck in bed for a while. That's what happens when you don't pay attention.” 

“You have tomorrow afternoon off, right?” Dean nodded. “You should go see him.” 

Dean let Cas sit up and he leaned forward. He wiped his face with his hands. “Nah, he's fine.”

Cas let it go. He could tell something was off with Dean. “What is it?” he asked. 

“I keep thinking,” Dean sighed. “It's nothing, babe.” 

Cas tapped his collar knowing it was in Dean's line of sight. “Honesty.”

Dean ran his finger through the space between the collar and Cas’s wrist. “You're right. What if what Sam is going through is because of me?” 

Cas stared at Dean. “What are you saying?” His heart pounded in his chest. 

“I spent so long not wanting to be happy so I couldn't hurt him.” He looked at Cas. “You make me happy.”

Cas looked away. “That can't be true. I'm not anything special.” He felt his heart thud in his chest. “Besides, how can you think that? It's only been a couple of weeks.” 

Dean faced Cas on the couch. He took his hands in his own. “Cas, I don't want a sub just to have one. I choose someone special, someone I see something in that will make my life interesting. You may not think it, but you are special. No one I've ever been with has known when I haven't had dinner or even when something is on my mind. Hell, even Sam doesn't notice on a good day for him.” 

“It's not hard to tell.” Cas tried to brush it off. “You make it pretty obvious. Besides, I heard your stomach when you dozed off.” 

“I mean no one has cared enough to bother.” Dean was trying to open up, but it was hard after spending so long not doing so. “My last partner left me because I had a hard time communicating how I felt.” Dean felt like Cas would leave him too. 

“It's okay.” Cas understood. “It's hard to trust when you've been hurt.” Cas was the expert on this. “You're the only one I've told about Michael.” 

“Why not tell the cops? He really hurt you pretty bad this time, Cas. What if he does something that doesn't heal?” Dean worded carefully. 

Cas looked ashamed. “You mean what if he kills me?” Dean still wanted an answer. “Then you move on,” he said quietly. 

Dean suddenly grabbed Cas. “That's not okay. You can't think so little of yourself.” Dean kissed him and put as much feeling as he could into it. “Don't make me worry about losing you.” 

Cas was dizzy from the kiss but he nodded. “Can we try something from the list you had me write up?” He wanted a distraction. 

Dean realized this was how Cas coped with how he felt. “No, I don't want to hurt your shoulder any. It's already bad enough.” Cas leaned in and kissed him again. He put his hand in Dean's crotch. “You're making it hard to be good.” 

Cas continued to rub Dean through his pants. “I want to try something new.” He kissed Dean's neck. “Maybe the rope thing?” 

Dean was quickly losing control. He liked that Cas was trying to initiate. The truth was Dean had been turned on by seeing Cas in the kitchen. He'd had a small daydream type vision where Cas was cooking in the kitchen, and it was their home, just the two of them. 

Dean ran his hands up and down Cas’s back, feeling his muscles. He stopped himself from feeling Cas’s erection. He could see it pressing tightly against the fabric. “Cas, your shoulder.” Dean was quickly succumbing to his endorphins. He moaned inadvertently. “Green.” Cas kept using his hand but stopped kissing. 

He leaned close to Dean's ear and whispered, “Fuck me. I need you.” 

Dean caved and pulled Cas so he was seated in his lap. Cas ground his hips against Dean's and moaned. Dean watched Cas turn himself on by toying with Dean. He stripped Dean of his shirt. He was already shirtless from Dean patching up his injury. Dean kissed his torso gently. 

In one swift, strong movement, Dean switched places and Cas was beneath him. He teased Cas massaging him with his hand and grinding his hips against him. He removed the pants of the man below him. Dean shed his own pants. He knelt on the floor in front of Cas. Cas complied eagerly, removing his boxers. 

Dean took care and gripped his cock firmly. Cas moaned and begged for more. Dean teased him with his tongue until Cas couldn't handle it. He sucked hard and Cas called his name. Dean moved his head up and down. He felt his own buildup. “More,” Cas begged. “Fuck me more.” 

Dean forced Cas to stay where he was. Cas bucked his hips and moaned. Dean sucked harder and moved faster each time. He kept his grip on the shaft and moved it in time with his head. Cas was breathless and cried out, coming in Dean's mouth. Dean swallowed as quickly as he could and came in his own boxers. 

Cas groaned. “I wanted to try something new,” he said breathlessly. 

“Wasn't that on your list?” Dean smirked. “Hitting more than one orgasm in a night?” Cas was too stunned for words. “Thought I would mix it up a little.”

Dean took his hand and led Cas to his bedroom. It was the first time he’d been in Dean's room. He looked around, taking it all in. “Ignore the mess. I haven't had time to clean,” Dean said. 

He dug around in a dresser drawer. Dean pulled out a single purple rope. Cas eyed it warily. “It's purple?” 

“For you. Not for the safeword.” Dean let him examine it. “Still want to try it?” Dean watched as Cas looked over the rope. 

“Will it hurt?” 

“Only if you want to explore pleasure pain will anything we do hurt you. I'm not willing to explore that with you while Michael still beats you.” Cas looked away, but Dean held him by the arms. “I don't want you confusing what he does to you with anything we do.”

Cas nodded in agreement. Dean kissed him. “We can try this,” he whispered in a husky voice. 

Dean looked down to see Cas was ready to go again. He instructed Cas to lie a specific way on the bed. Dean tied the rope and checked to make sure it wasn't too tight. Cas pulled and saw he had little movement. Dean stripped his messy boxers. He too was ready for round two. 

He quickly prepped Cas who moaned and writhed. Dean teased Cas by kissing his torso. Cas pulled on the rope. His hands were tied separately and secured to the headboard of the bed. Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas. Cas tugged on the rope again. “Fuck me,” he begged. 

Dean obliged. He slid in quickly and thrust hard. His lover moaned and twitched his hips up giving Dean better access. Dean put his thumbs on Cas’s hips and gripped tightly. He rubbed his thumbs over the hipbones. “Oh, Dean,” Cas moaned. 

Dean thrust faster. He was breathing hard and beginning to sweat. Cas writhed beneath him. “Almost there,” he said breathlessly. Dean kept driving in and out. Cas called his name repeatedly. Dean released as soon as he heard Cas climax, lengthening his orgasm. 

Dean kept thrusting for a moment, but he pulled out when he started to catch his breath. He cleaned them up with Cas still tied up. Cas eyed him as he crawled into bed beside him. Dean untied his lover and held him. “What did you think?” he asked. 

Cas was still coming down from the high of endorphins. “Wow,” was all he could say. He cuddled up next to Dean. Cas finally regained the ability to speak. “I'm tired.”

Dean kissed his forehead and encouraged him to sleep. He knew Cas was sub dropping, but the effect was exhaustion and needing to be held. Dean was careful not to let his top drop show. He didn't want to scare Cas.


	6. Chapter 6

Gabe found an outpatient rehab for Sam. “Stay with me here for a few days? Dean suggested it.” He’d gotten Sam to be more comfortable around him. 

Sam leaned back into Gabe's lap and stared at the golden brown eyes. “That's code for he wants to get laid.” He thought about Cas. “Why does Cas always look like he's going to run away?”

“Cas has it tough too. I don't want Dean to hurt him.” Gabe was concerned. “He can't handle it.”

“And my brother can?” Sam sat up. Gabe didn't respond. “You're probably right with the way I've been treating him. Dean hasn't let himself be happy because of me.”

“Sam, he knows you're going through through a tough time. Losing someone close to you is hard.” Gabe was understanding. 

Sam shook. “How much longer?” His voice was scared sounding. “I can't take this.”

Gabe pulled Sam back to lie in his lap. “Yes, you can, Sam. You're tougher than you think.” Gabe looked at his phone to check the time. “Another hour and then you have a small hit.” 

Sam was cold and shook. Gabe hated to see him hurting so badly. He texted Lucifer.

G: I'm done. Find someone else. 

L: Why? You find a place you can afford?

G: Luce, Sam is hurting bad. Worst I've ever seen. Give me until he's better to find a place?

L: will I get him back? 

G: no. He's mine. When he's better, I'll find another place. You and I are done. 

Gabe stroked Sam's hair as he slept in his lap. He couldn't understand why he cared about the drug-addled giant in his lap as much as he did. None of Lucifer’s other clients had affected him so deeply. 

When Sam woke, he shivered. “Gabe?” he realized he was alone on the couch now. “Gabe?” Fear ran through Sam. He didn't want to go through this alone. 

His eyes fell on his cell phone. He checked the time. It had been a few more hours than he anticipated. “Gabe?” No response. Sam decided to look for his stuff. 

Gabriel walked in the front door to see Sam sitting against the wall and shooting up. “Oh, Sam,” he breathed. He put the bag of groceries he was carrying on the counter and knelt by the other man. “Sam?”

Sam's eyes were glazed over. “Hey, there you are.” 

Gabe removed the tourniquet and took the needle away. “How much did you do?” He asked gently. 

Sam smiled. The drugs were hitting him hard. “It feels good.” He looked through Gabe, his eyes unfocused. “I couldn't take the shaking and the pain. It felt like ice and fire in my body.” He struggled to find words. 

“Sam, I need you to keep looking at me.” Gabe was trying not to freak out. Sam seized. “Sam!” Gabe called 911. “No, Sammy, stay with me.” 

Gabe called Dean as he drove behind the ambulance. “You need to get to the hospital now. It's bad, Dean.” 

Dean didn't question it. He brought Cas with him to the hospital and met Gabe. Gabe was pacing and running his hands through his hair. Tears were streaming down his face. 

“Gabe, what happened?” Dean asked. He was scared. 

“I shouldn't have left him alone,” Gabe muttered. “Sam overdosed.” He ran his hands through his hair. “He was doing good. I left to get him food.” His breathing was erratic. “He was on the floor.” He could barely speak. 

“Overdosed?” Dean was confused. “That-that can't be. Sam doesn't do drugs. He's a good kid.” 

Gabe shook his head hard. Cas hugged Gabe. “Gabe, you did the right thing. He's going to be okay.” Cas spoke quietly. “What was he taking?” 

Gabe took a shaky breath. “Heroin.” 

Cas looked at Dean. Dean wiped his face. “Just tell me he'll be okay. Gabe?” 

Gabe tried to force a hopeful look. “I don't know.” 

Dean was still dealing with the top drop and now Sam. He tried to speak calmly but it came out angry. “I need some air. Come get me if anything.”

Cas stayed with his cousin. “How long have you known?” 

Gabe was calming down because of Castiel. Cas knew Gabe. “Since before I actually met him. He's one of Lucifer’s. Cas, he can't die.” Gabe looked desperate. 

Cas heard it and saw it on his face. “You love him. Gabe, you know better than to get involved with Lucifer’s clients. This is what happened last time.”

Gabe turned away. “Sam was trying to get clean. He was trying.” He shook and punched the wall. “Fuck! It's all my fault, Cas. He was doing this because of me.” 

“You didn't get him addicted,” Cas said calmly. “Gabe, you didn't flip him back to Luce.” Cas studied his cousin. “You want out too. Sam is your out.” 

Gabe nodded. “I do love him. He doesn't know it. But I've never seen someone who tries so hard for everything.” 

“Let me deal with Dean.” Gabe nodded and Cas went to look for Dean. 

He found him outside. His knuckles were bloody. Dean tried to hide it from Cas, but Cas already saw. “It's not Gabe's fault.” 

Dean clenched his jaw. “He wouldn't be here if it weren't for him.” Dean was angry. His fists shook beside his body. 

Cas hesitated in touching him. “Sam has been addicted since before he met Gabe. Gabe was trying to get him clean.” 

“So how did this happen?!” Dean yelled. 

Cas stared at Dean wide-eyed. “Dean, I need you to calm down.” He was starting to panic. Dean reminded him of Michael. Cas twisted his collar without thinking. Dean saw this and took a few deep breaths. “He loves Sam.”

Dean couldn't contain his anger and exploded. “How could he? How could he love Sam and let this happen to him? Sam might die, Cas!” Dean punched the wall of the building. 

Cas was frightened. “Purple.” His eyes were wide with fear. He started walking backward away from Dean. 

Dean knew he was dropping hard. Adding the fact Sam was possibly dying, Dean was overwhelmed by emotions. He tried to go after Cas. “Cas, wait.”

He stopped but kept his back to Dean. “You promised never to hurt me. That means you can't hurt yourself or my family.” He looked over his shoulder. “We can talk after Sam gets better.” Cas walked away. 

Dean punched the nearest wall again. The concrete bit his knuckles. He calmed down enough to go back into the hospital. Gabe was waiting for him. 

“They’re flushing his system. If he survives that, he’ll be put into their rehab for a few months.” Gabe couldn't meet Dean's gaze. 

“Is it true?” He asked. He kept his emotions in check. “Was Sam addicted before you?” 

Gabe nodded. “He said he's been using since Jess died.” Gabe sat and held his face in his hands. “I'm sorry, Dean.” 

“For what?” Dean sat beside him. “Sammy’s been hurting for a long time. He took Jess’s death really hard.” 

“He was going to marry her,” Gabe said quietly. 

Dean heard the words and let them sink in. He went over the last year and change in his head. “I was too hard on him.” 

Gabe looked up and smiled. “Dean, he loves you. He didn't want to make you feel bad because he was in love with her. He wants you to be happy too.” He glanced around. “Speaking of that, where's Cas?”

Dean looked away. “We had a fight. He went home. Probably not my house.” He was instantly worried about Cas realizing that Cas went home where Michael would be waiting for him. “Oh no.”

“Yeah, Michael is home.” Gabe sighed. “So you know?” Dean nodded. “I haven't told Sam. I didn't want him to worry about me.” 

He spoke quietly so hospital staff in passing didn't hear him. “Why does he do it? Why does Michael beat you and Cas?” Dean wanted answers. 

“My theory is different than what Cas will tell you.” Gabe looked at Dean. “Oh, he hasn't told you.” Dean shook his head. “I think secretly he's jealous that Cas and I are comfortable with who we are. I think he doesn't want to admit that he's gay or bi.” 

Dean was a little stunned. “What does Cas think?” 

“It's best you hear it from him.” Dean glared at Gabe. “Okay, fine. Cas thinks Michael is depressed and will off himself if he leaves. He thinks Michael only hits him because my uncle used to beat Michael before he just up and left. Michael has really done something to his head.” 

“Why does Cas think he hits you?” Dean was calming down more by not thinking about Sam. 

Gabe flashed a quick and charming smile. “My dashing good looks?” Dean shook his head. “Not buying it. He hits me because I try to protect Cas.” He gave Dean a somber look. “Do you?”

“I was.” Dean scratched his head. “But I fucked up. I dropped and couldn't control it.” 

Gabe put his hand on Dean's knee. “Cas has never been in a relationship like that. He's never been a submissive.” 

Gabe jumped to his feet when he saw the doctor approaching. Dean stood slowly and wrung his hands. “Mr. Winchester?” Dean nodded. “Sam is going to recover, but it's going to take more than just a system flush. He has to go to rehab. It's mandated by law.” 

Dean shoved his hands into his pockets and opened and closed his fists. “Can I see him?” 

The doctor showed him to Sam's room. Dean was nervous as he entered the room. Sam looked horrible and had tubes running everywhere. “Heya, Sammy.”

“Dean,” Sam looked panicked. “No.” He looked around and realized he was in the hospital. 

“You're going to be okay. You scared me.” Dean was trying to go easy on his brother. “Thought I was going to lose you.” He sat in a chair by the bed. 

“I don't know what to say.” Sam didn't look at Dean. 

“Sam, I wish you had told me.” Dean watched his brother. 

Sam rubbed his nose. “I didn't want you to worry about me. I had it under control.” He glanced at the door and his eyes fell. 

“Gabe is outside.” Sam looked at Dean. “He told me everything. Go easy on him.” Dean smiled. “He's good for you.” 

Sam rolled his eyes. “He's the reason I'm here.” 

“Because he cared enough to try to get you clean? Because he cares about you?” Dean watched his brother. “Sam, he's not Jess.” 

Sam was quiet and starred toward the window. He didn't want to talk to Dean about any of this. “The doctor said you have to go through rehab. It’ll be a few months before you get to see him again. So I suggest you talk to him.”

Dean stood and left the room motioning for Gabe to go in. Gabe hesitated. He knew Sam would be mad at him. Gabe said nothing as he sat in the chair beside the bed. 

“Why did you tell him?” Sam glared at Gabe. 

“You were dying. He needed to know.” Gabe resisted every urge he had to reach for Sam. 

“You should have let me die.” Sam turned away. “I took too much on purpose.” 

“What do you mean?” Gabe was afraid of what he would say. 

“I couldn't handle the pain anymore. You weren't there. I wanted to feel better.” Sam looked at Gabe. “Why did you leave?”

Gabe almost smiled. “I thought you might be hungry when you woke up. Guess I was wrong. I shouldn't have left you alone.”

“You get your wish.” Sam didn't sound happy. “I'm going to rehab, not by choice.” 

“Sam, what was I supposed to do? You were dying before my eyes. I couldn't lose you.” Gabe gave him a sad, pleading look. “I know you don't feel the same for me as I do for you, but I couldn't let you die.”

“Sit up here with me?” Gabe got into the bed and cuddled with Sam. “When I woke up and you were gone, I was scared. I was angry. I thought you might be playing me. I was just another one of your jobs.” 

“I quit working for Lucifer,” Gabe said quietly. “I hated seeing what he was doing to you.” 

“What does that mean for you?” Sam played with Gabe's hair. 

“I need to find a new place to live.” Gabe leaned up facing Sam. “I was scared you were going to die.” 

Sam leaned up and kissed him. “I'm going to miss you,” he whispered. 

“It's only a couple of months. I'm patient,” Gabe replied in a whisper. He kissed Sam again. Sam deepened the kiss. Gabe heard the heart monitor beep a little faster. “You need to be patient too.” 

“Gabe, you've been with me this whole time. I was getting worse when I met you. How am I supposed to do this without you?” He was getting a little shaky and trying to hide it. 

Gabe moved some hair from Sam's face. “You’ll make it, Sam. I don't know how this rehab facility works. So you probably won't be allowed to talk to anyone.” He was sad at this thought. 

Sam held him. “Will you want to be with me after I get out?” He tried not to shiver. 

“Of course, Sambo.” Gabe felt him shiver. “Do you want me to get a nurse?” He was concerned.


	7. Chapter 7

Cas went home. He knew Michael was waiting for him. “I'll get the dishes and the trash. Just give me a few minutes,” he said as he walked through the door. 

“You didn't come home.” Michael was drunk again. “You left me, brother.” 

“Michael, please. You know I always come home.” Cas began picking up the dishes and washing them. “You’d be happier if you dated,” he muttered to himself. 

“What did you say?” Michael said in a loud accusing tone. He pushed Cas up against the sink hard. 

Cas turned to face him. “You would be happier if you dated. I am.” 

Michael sneered. “Dating a guy isn't going to make me happy.” He slapped Cas across the face. “You're just going to leave like dad did.” 

Cas let his gaze fall. He noticed something he'd never seen before. Michael had a hard-on. “Michael, you need to go sleep the alcohol off.” Cas tried not to point out what he'd noticed. 

“Buzzkill,” he said as he backed up. He swung and hit Cas in the shoulder. “Does your boyfriend know what a disappointment you are? You stay out for days and let me think you're dead. You don't even call or text me to let me know you're okay.”

“My friend is in the hospital. That's where I was.” Cas ducked the next move Michael made. “Please, get some sleep, brother.”

Michael stumbled forward. Cas’s eyes were wide with terror. He tried to push Michael away, but his shoulder wouldn't let him. “Why do you fuck guys?” 

“Michael, no, I'm not talking about this with you.” Cas struggled to get away. He got out of Michael’s grip, but Michael reached out and grabbed him by the wrist. He yanked him hard, and Cas hit his head on the cabinet and passed out. 

When he woke up, he had a few missed calls from Dean. He listened to the voicemails. “Please answer me, Cas. We need to talk.” 

Cas didn't want to call Dean, but his eyes focused on the collar on his wrist which reminded him he needed to. The phone rang a few times, and Cas almost hung up.

“Cas?” Dean sounded worried. “Cas, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you.”

“I'm keeping my promise. That's why I called.” Cas stared at the bead on the collar.   
“I'm coming over. No, don't argue, please. I need to take care of you. Is he there?” Dean asked. 

He came over and opened the door to see Cas where Michael had left him on the floor. “Cas,” Dean breathed. “What happened? What did he do to you?”

“I'm fine, Dean.” It was obvious he wasn't. He tried to sit up and got dizzy. 

“You're not fine, baby. He hurt you bad this time. I'm so sorry. You wouldn't have been here if it hadn't been for me.” Dean held Cas. He wrapped his arms around Cas’s chest. Dean moved to help him up. “Let me take you to my place,” he pleaded and searched the other man's face. 

“You're not mad?” Cas was hesitant to trust Dean again. 

“No,” Dean gently kissed his forehead. “No, I'm not mad. I'll explain everything if you let me take care of you.”

His blue eyes went wide with fear. He wasn't looking at Dean. “Michael, no.” 

Dean spun around and stood protectively in front of Cas. “Michael,” he growled. 

“You must be the boyfriend.” Michael was sober. “My brother is pathetic. He's been lying on the floor all night. He didn't even do the dishes like he said he would. I bet they missed you at work today, Cas. Oh, that's right, you got fired the last time you bailed on work.” 

Dean blocked the path to Cas. He glared at Michael. “You don't even take responsibility for hurting your own brother.” 

Michael shrugged. “We get into tussles all the time. Isn't that right, Cas?”

“Tussles don't end in gashes in his shoulder or scars all over him. I think your cousin is right. You're not happy and taking it out on Cas because he wants to be.” Dean wasn't budging. 

Michael looked around Dean at Cas. “Hiding behind your fag is cowardly. You should stand up for yourself. You don't even see that he's controlling you.” He tossed Dean a glare. 

Cas stood up and leaned against Dean. “Don't hurt him.” 

Michael snorted. “Giving me orders now? Remember the last time that happened?” 

“Just let us go,” Cas begged. He held his head. 

“Poor little Castiel, hiding behind his lumberjack looking boyfriend. You can't even handle a headache,” his brother taunted. “Go ahead, leave. Leave me all alone just like dad did.” 

Dean supported Cas. “Come on, let's go,” he said softly to Cas. 

Cas shook his head. “It's okay. It's not that bad.”

Dean looked at Michael. “Messing with his head like that is low. Guilt is a bitch to deal with. I'm taking him to my place.” 

Cas was leaning heavily against Dean. “Dean…” he started to collapse. 

Dean caught him. He glared at Michael. “I don't know what happened to you that makes you think it's okay to beat him unconscious like this. He's your brother.” Michael just stared at Dean. “You're supposed to protect him, not hurt him.” 

“Go before I change my mind.” Michael stepped out of the way. 

Dean carried Cas into his house. “Hey, you're safe,” Dean said quietly when Cas woke up. “We're at my place.” 

Cas tried to sit up and groaned. “What happened?” 

“He let us go. I'm just as surprised as you are.” Dean sat on the floor with his back against the couch. Cas was stretched out on the couch. “Cas, what did he do to you? I haven't seen you that scared before.”

Cas hesitated. Dean faced him with a worried look on his face. “He yanked my arm so hard I hit my head on the cabinet.” 

Dean saw a spot on his face beginning to turn purple. He got up and got some ice for the injury. “Anything else?” Cas motioned to his arm. Dean examined the new bruise. “Stay with me for a while?” 

Cas tried to shake his head. “Michael needs me.” 

“He doesn't need you. He wants you there to be a punching bag. Cas, I heard the way he talks to you. I would never control you. This,” he touched the collar, “isn't for control.” 

“Explain what happened at the hospital,” Cas requested. 

Dean sighed. “It's complicated. It's called a top drop. I was spiraling because we tried something new and it caused me to drop. I haven't dropped in a long time so it hit harder than normal. It changes how I deal with things.” Dean paused. He was afraid to look at Cas. “When I drop, I get angry and violent. I never take it out on a person, never. Then with Sam almost dying, it was worse than anything I've ever felt.” He took a deep breath. 

“Never?” Cas asked carefully. 

“Never.” He looked at Cas. “I meant it when I said I would never hurt you. How's your head?” 

He winced. “Still hurts.” He glanced around. “How's Sam?” 

“He starts rehab tomorrow. He won't be home for a few months.” Dean flinched. “He was really bad off, and I never even saw it. What kind of brother am I?” 

“The kind that only sees the best in people.” Cas fell quiet. Dean got some pillows and a blanket for him. “Dean, how did you know you liked guys?” 

“The real answer?” Dean asked. Cas nodded slightly. “A lot of drunken one night stands. Guys were just more fun. So I tried a few relationships with men and women. It depended on the person.”

Cas rolled onto his side. “I never liked women.” He sighed and watched Dean. 

Dean caught him staring and leaned over. He gently kissed him. “When I saw you on the floor, I was so scared. I was afraid he'd killed you.” 

Cas sat up slowly. “Can I stay in a bed? The extra room is fine.” 

“Go to my room and get comfortable.” Cas stood and steadied himself. “Do you want anything to eat or drink?” 

Dean spent the next two days taking care of Cas. He wouldn't let Cas go back to his house. Michael called Cas and left nasty voicemails. 

Cas was feeling better. He got a few texts from Gabe whining about how he missed Sam. 

C: get a better job so you can afford a place to stay.

G: Luce keeps trying to get me to work for him. I'm gonna stay with you and Michael if that's okay. 

C: I'm staying with Dean for a few days. It was bad this time. Don't let him know about Sam.

Dean had to go back to work. Adam asked about Sam. “Is he okay?” 

Dean nodded. He threw himself into work. He noticed Adam flirt with a male customer. He didn't think anything of it until a few days later. 

He and Cas were kissing. Dean held Cas up against the refrigerator. He pushed against him. He was taking things slow with Cas. Cas squirmed when Dean ground his hips against him. Dean paused and saw discomfort on Cas’s face. 

“What is it?” Dean asked quietly. “Am I hurting you?” 

Cas shook his head. “It's nothing.” 

Dean stopped. “Cas, be honest.” He tapped the collar.

Cas was visibly uncomfortable. It showed in his face. “Michael was drunk. It's not a big deal.” He became shifty. Dean stared at him. “He pushed against me when he pushed me against the sink. He was hard.” Cas looked away. “He didn't do anything.”

Dean held his hands. “Why didn't you tell me this?” 

“Because it doesn't matter.” He caught the look on Dean's face. He was embarrassed. “Because he's my brother and it was weird.”

“Gabe might be right. He thinks Michael is violent because he's unhappy and possibly repressed,” Dean said. Cas stared at him. “You wouldn't tell me why he hits you. I asked Gabe.” He shrugged. 

“It'd be nice if he could be happy with someone.” Cas squeezed Dean's hands. “Know anyone who could handle him?” 

Dean laughed. “Actually, I might. Come by my work tomorrow.” He stared into the blue eyes. “Are you happy?” 

He kissed Dean. “Yes.”


	8. Chapter 8

Sam got out of rehab three months after he had overdosed. He was set up to check in once a month but he could call his sponsor as often as he needed. Dean picked him up.   
“I thought we could do something that's just us tonight,” Dean said. He hugged Sam tightly. “You look great.” 

Sam gave him a half smile. “Actually, can we just go home? Don't worry. I don't have anything there. Gabe was getting rid of all of it for me.” Sam hesitated. “How-how is he?” 

“He stopped working for Lucifer. He had to move out because Lucifer was paying his rent. He's living at Michael’s. I haven't really seen him much. He doesn't come around,” Dean informed. 

“At Michael’s? Doesn't Cas live there too?” Sam was curious. “Dude, what all have I missed?”

“Well, Cas lives with us now,” he said slowly. He was aware that Sam had no idea Michael was abusive. He didn't want to say or do anything that would mess Sam back up. 

“You're serious about him? Dean, even for you this hasn't been very long.” Sam watched his brother as he drove. 

Dean smirked. “It's different this time.” 

“Does he know I'm coming home?” Sam asked. “Does he know why I was gone?” He froze.

“He's the reason I believed Gabe. I didn't want to believe him when he said you were on drugs,” Dean admitted. 

“Do you think I should tell Gabe I'm home?” Sam asked nervously. 

“Sam, the man saved your life. That's the least you can do.” Dean handed Sam his phone. “I charged it last night for you. I also told Lucifer where he could shove his drugs.”

S: I'm home. I thought I should tell you.

G: I missed you, Sammy. 

S: Can I see you sometime?

G: Is tonight okay? Or does Dean have anything planned for you? 

“Can I go out with Gabe tonight? I mean, do you have anything planned?” he asked. 

“Tell him to come over. Cas is making dinner.” Dean added, “Have him bring Michael.”

Sam answered the door when Gabe knocked. Michael looked like he didn't want to be there. Gabe was happy to see Sam but tried to hide it from Michael. Sam was sheepish. 

“Adam, this is Gabe and Michael,” Dean introduced. Cas dropped a spoon in the sink loudly. Dean went to go speak to him. He spoke quietly so the others couldn't hear him. “Babe, it's okay. If he thinks about hurting you here, he's got another thing coming.”

Cas breathed quickly. “Now he knows where you live.” 

“Where we live,” Dean corrected. He put his hands around Cas’s waist. “If he can resist Adam’s charms, then he really is straight.” He kissed Cas. “Just tap your bracelet if you need me and we’ll go to another room.”

Sam and Gabe were talking leaving Michael and Adam to talk to each other. Adam flirted with Michael who tried his best not to look interested but be embarrassed. Sam was shy the whole evening. 

Gabe came over and handed Sam a drink. “I'm not sure if a beer is okay or not, so soda.” 

“No, this is good. I don't want any temptations,” he smiled. “I, uh, heard you moved in with Michael.”

Gabe lost his cheery look. “Yeah.” He stared at his soda hard. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too. But I think I need to figure things out first.” Sam avoided eye contact. 

Gabe shuffled slightly. “It's okay, Sam. I get it. Just let me know when you do?” Sam nodded. 

During dinner, Cas didn't say a word to Michael. Sam avoided eye contact and speaking as much as he could. Adam kept making Michael blush by touching his knees or legs beneath the table. Dean and Gabe saw the awkwardness going on and pretended that everything was normal. 

Cas served pie for dessert. Michael passed him as he went to get more beers for everyone who wanted one. He glared at Cas who dropped the knife in his hand. 

“You okay? Did you cut yourself?” Dean asked seeing something red on his hand. 

Cas tapped the bracelet and disappeared. Dean finished serving the pie and went to check on Cas. Cas was breathing erratically and gripping the bathroom sink. 

Dean quietly cleaned and bandaged the small cut. “He can't hurt you.” 

“Why is he here?” Cas didn't understand why Dean invited his brother. 

Dean held Cas. “To meet Adam. Gabe is acting like you used to. He needs his own place.” 

“Sam doesn't know, does he?” Cas asked. He leaned his head on Dean's shoulder. 

“No, if anyone tells him, it should be Gabe.” Dean kissed him on the cheek. “Feeling better now?” Cas nodded. 

Michael was getting another beer when Adam came up behind him and gently cupped his ass. Michael yelped and everyone turned to look. He turned beet red and glared at Adam who smiled. He whispered into Michael’s ear, “Your pants show you like it when I do that.” 

Michael frowned and sat back down at the table, pretending to be miserable. Dean exchanged a look with Adam and glanced at Michael. Adam winked. 

Michael decided he needed some air, and Adam said he was going home. He found Michael outside leaning against Gabe's car. “Don't touch me.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Please, you like it. Just admit it to yourself.” He stepped closer to Michael. 

“Adam,” he said nervously. “I can't.”

“Can't or won't?” Adam wasn't leaving without getting Michael to admit how he felt. “You feel something and you have since you walked in the door tonight. You got hard the instant I touched your fine, firm ass.” 

Michael felt like he couldn't breathe. “You wouldn't like me if you knew what I've done to my brother and cousin.” 

“That's them, not me.” Adam didn't care. “So, hotness, ready to admit you're attracted to me?” 

Michael blurted out, “I've hit them for being gay.”

Adam closed the gap and kissed Michael. “Ready to admit it now?” 

Gabe was talking to Cas when he got a text from Michael. “Wow. Was this a setup for Michael?” He showed Cas the text. 

“It worked. You were right, Dean,” Cas announced. 

Dean smiled. “Good. Gabe, a word?” He took Gabe aside for a moment. “You need to tell Sam about Michael. I don't want him over there if Michael is home.” 

“He went home with Adam tonight, but I know what you mean. I don't think Sam is ready for anything right now.” Gabe was disappointed. “But that's okay.”

Cas and Dean decided to give Sam and Gabe some space and went to their room. Sam tried to clean up, but Gabe kept moving things back and messing around. 

“Would you stop?” Sam asked. 

“Maybe.” He gave a cheesy grin. “It's really good to see you.” 

Sam put what he was holding down. “All you did before rehab was take care of me. What do we do now?” He was nervous. 

“We could do what you wanted when you were in the hospital?” Gabe suggested lightly. “But that might be too fast.” 

Sam checked him out. Gabe blushed and stepped closer. Sam kissed him and put his hands around Gabe's lower back. Gabe put his hands around Sam's neck. 

“Mm, Sam, I've missed you,” Gabe whispered. 

Sam kissed him again a little more passionately. Gabe pressed against him. He broke the kiss. “Want to go to my place? It's a little crowded here.” 

Sam hesitated. “Dean and Cas threw a nice welcome home party. It'd be rude for me not to stay home.” Gabe kissed him again and his tongue flitted in and out lightly teasing him. “Okay, your place.” 

The drive over felt like it took forever. Gabe reached over and teased Sam the whole time. Sam moaned and swore. At a red light, Gabe undid Sam's pants and reached inside. Sam groaned and moaned. He slid his pants down a little so the zipper wouldn't catch him. 

The next red light was a large intersection. Sam undid Gabe's pants and began to suck him. Gabe gripped the steering wheel tightly. “Keep going,” he told Sam. 

Gabe sped home. Each red light was torture. Sam was excellent at giving head. Gabe pushed Sam through the door roughly. Sam smiled and began stripping Gabe as they kissed. He was running his hands all over and stopped when Gabe jerked. Sam saw a bruise on his side. “What happened to you?” 

“Not right now. Later, I promise. Just keep going,” he begged. He needed Sam. “I can't wait anymore.” 

Sam kissed him and Gabe removed his shirt. The loosened pants on both of them kept falling with each step. Gabe took Sam to his room. Sam pushed him against the door and kissed him. He teased Gabe with his hand. Gabe moaned. He knelt and sucked him. Gabe bucked. “Sam!”

Sam stopped and moved them to the bed. Gabe pulled out the lube and Sam took it from him. “I want to fuck you.” 

Gabe gave him a curious look. “You’ve never been with a guy before.” 

“No, but my brother gave me the talk years ago. He was overly detailed.” Sam leaned down and kissed Gabe. “So I know to do this.” 

He slipped in one lubed up finger and Gabe moaned. A second slick finger slid in a little soon, but Gabe found it pleasing. A third finger nudged his prostate and he got louder. Sam enjoyed watching Gabe writhe and moan. He removed his fingers and slid in. Gabe was breathless. Sam felt so good inside him. “Fuck me,” he moaned. 

Sam was hard and fast. Gabe was moaning and swearing constantly. He bucked his hips giving Sam better access to go deeper. Sam moaned and moved faster. Gabe grabbed himself and tugged hard and fast. “Fuck! Sam, I'm almost there. Oh, f-fuck, Sam!” he cried out as he came. 

Sam kept pounding him and came soon after. Gabe cleaned himself up and Sam collapsed on the bed beside him. When Gabe got his breath back, he said, “Holy fuck, are you sure that was your first time with a guy?”

Sam was self-conscious. “Was it that bad?” 

Gabe kissed Sam. “Bad? Sam, that was the best.” He leaned against Sam. “The foreplay in the car kept me hard and was torture, but it was worth it.” He glanced up at the taller man. “I liked the exhibition style foreplay. Super hot.” 

Sam blushed. “I figured I was out of practice and never you know with a guy.” 

“Sam, this was amazing. You are amazing.” Gabe rolled onto his side inviting Sam to spoon him. Sam did and soon fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Gabe woke up and felt Sam still in bed with him. Sam tossed and turned all night. Gabe woke to one arm slung over his side and Sam breathing deeply. 

He heard him stir and didn't move. “Morning,” Sam said. 

“Morning, sleeping beauty,” Gabe rolled to face him. “You didn't sleep well last night. Everything okay?”

Sam grew uncomfortable and turned onto his back. “It's been like this since before rehab. It was easier with the drugs because I could just take a hit and pass out. But rehab, it all came back and then some.”

“What do you mean?” Gabe stroked Sam's hair. 

Sam pursed his lips. “I see Jess’s car. I relive every moment of withdrawal. I see the way you and Dean looked at me at the hospital.”

Gabe straddled him and leaned close. “I'm sorry you see those things. It's hard enough once, but every night?” He kissed Sam's forehead. “It's making you stronger.”

“I only got through withdrawals because of you,” Sam admitted. Gabe gave him a puzzled look. “Thinking of you helped.” He looked at Gabe and saw the bruise. “Tell me?” 

“Michael. It was really bad for Cas. This happened when he came over to get some things to move in with Dean. I got in Michael’s way. Dean is good to him. I think Michael will change now. He went home with a guy last night. That was quite surprising.” 

“That doesn't happen?” Sam asked. 

“Michael hasn't dated in years. He used to beat on Cas because he's gay. He went easier on me when I was with girls, but I avoided coming over if I could when I was with guys. He also didn't like that I was Lucifer’s bitch,” Gabe said. 

Sam was lightly fingering the bruise. “Why not tell me before?”

Gabe smiled and kissed him lightly. “We weren't together then. You were fighting for your life. A few bruises here and there were insignificant compared to your life, Sammy.” He felt a twitch below him. He looked up at Sam's face. “Happy to see me?”

Sam blushed. “Call me ‘Sammy’ again,” he requested. 

Gabe leaned forward keeping his hips pressed tightly against Sam's. He whispered in his ear. “You like being called Sammy?” Sam shivered at the warm breath and soft words. “Squirm for me, baby.” He felt Sam through the sheets. 

He slipped his hand below the sheets and began massaging him. Sam moaned. He interrupted a moan by kissing him. He moved the sheet from between them. They were still naked from the night before. 

Gabe kissed lower and lower. He didn't hesitate or tease but instead put his mouth around Sam who moaned and gripped the sheets beneath him. He swore and called Gabe's name. “Oh, Gabe, more,” he begged. “Fuck me.”

Gabe moved faster and began prepping Sam. He yelped when the first finger went in and the second shortly after. The third finger felt much better, and Gabe found his prostate. Sam gasped. Gabe sucked hard and pulled off leaving Sam wanting more. 

Gabe teased his entrance. Sam shuddered when Gabe pushed in. He paused briefly. “Ready, Sammy?” he asked. 

Sam could only nod. Gabe thrust slowly at first but made sure to hit his prostate each time. Sam cried out in pleasure with each movement. “Gabe, faster,” he begged. Gabe picked up the pace and gripped Sam's hard cock. Sam was moaning and swearing beneath him. 

Gabe found the vulgar language to be a turn on. “Talk dirty, baby.” His eyes glinted with exhilaration. When he was close, he slowed down so Sam could come first. 

“Fuck, Gabe, faster. Don't slow down,” Sam begged. He pulled Gabe down to him and whispered in his ear. “I need you to fuck me so it hurts to sit.” He dug his fingers into his lover's shoulders. 

Gabe thrust faster and harder. He matched his hand rhythm with his hips. He was going to come before Sam. “Sammy, I'm almost there.” Sam grabbed his face and kissed him as Gabe came inside him, consequently sending him over the edge. 

Gabe cleaned them up and found a pair of boxers. “I love how tight your ass is.” He got back into the bed with Sam. “And the dirty talk, huge turn on.” 

Sam wrapped his arms around Gabe. “You were right. Waiting until I was sober was well worth it.”


	10. Chapter 10

Gabe heard the front door open and close. “Shit, we lost our pants and shirts out there,” he said quietly. 

Sam glared at the door. “He'd better not touch you.” 

“You're naked. At least I have clothes in here.” Gabe pointed out. “I'll be quick.”

Sam looked worried as Gabe got up. He tried to hold onto him. Gabe smiled as he left his room. 

Michael was in the living room staring at the trail of clothes. “After you left with Adam last night, I didn't expect you home so soon,” Gabe said. “So how did it go with Adam?” 

Michael looked embarrassed. “You didn't say anything to anyone?” 

“Dean invited you over to set you up with Adam. So yes, they all know.” Gabe started to pick up the clothes. “Feel better about yourself?”

Michael watched him. “I-I don't know.” 

Gabe finished picking up the clothes. “There's nothing wrong with it, you know? If you like him, then you like him. No big deal.”

Michael nodded toward the clothes. “Sam?” Gabe couldn't help but smile. He tried to resist knowing his cousin's violent ways. “Like I have room to talk.” Michael looked uncomfortable. 

“Maybe this is less about your feelings for Adam and more about how you've treated your brother?” Gabe asked carefully. He purposefully excluded himself from his statement. 

“You should probably give Sam his clothes back,” Michael deflected. 

Gabe eyed him. He wasn't letting him go that easily. He returned to Sam who looked relieved. “Did he hurt you?” He had jumped out of bed and hugged him. 

Gabe shook his head and snuggled into the hug. “I think he's trying to figure out how he feels not just for Adam but for himself. He really messed Cas up.” 

“He wants to change?” Sam sounded shocked considering Gabe's bruises were fairly fresh. 

“I think so. He's just fighting it. He probably thinks it's a weakness. His dad was really tough on him until he bailed. Cas was little and Michael had to be the dad and the kid.” Gabe handed Sam his clothes. “As much as I like the view, you should wear clothes for breakfast.”

Sam followed Gabe to the kitchen. Gabe let him have free range. “Want anything, Michael?” Gabe called. 

“Uh, no, I'm okay.” Gabe knew Michael never turned down food. He glanced at Sam who was slicing some fruit. 

Sam took a small bowl of fruit to Michael and sat on the couch with his own bowl. He felt awkward, but he wanted Michael to know he wasn't scared of him. Michael picked at the bowl of fruit. 

Gabe plopped down beside Sam with a large bowl of sugary cereal. “That stuff’s just all sugar,” Sam noted. 

“So?” Gabe crunched his cereal. He noticed Michael just staring at his fruit. “Eat, Michael. Blood sugar drops after sex.” 

Michael looked appalled at Gabe's statement. He stared open-mouthed at him. He was flustered. “I...we...no...we didn't. It's not what you think,” he stumbled for words. 

Sam shrugged. “He was flirting with you pretty hard. Even I gotta admit it'd be hard to say ‘no.’” Gabe stared at Sam. “Don't worry. He's not my type,” Sam reassured his lover. 

Michael watched them. “How are you so…” he couldn't even finish his question. 

“Comfortable with who we are?” Sam finished for him. He nodded. “I wasn't for a long time. Gabe helped me see I was really just slowly killing myself.” He continued to eat his fruit. 

“Uh, Sammy, you were killing yourself,” Gabe corrected. He gave Sam a serious look. 

Michael kept watching them. He heard what Sam had said. “Were you doing it because you were miserable?” he asked not taking his eyes off of Sam. 

Sam nodded and spoke quietly. “I was miserable, and I found a very bad way to cope.” Gabe held his hand as he spoke. “I almost died. Everyone handles things differently.” 

Michael stared at his bowl. He thought of Cas and Gabe and the atrocities he'd put them through. He looked up to Gabe. “Why did you move in with me even though you know how I am?”

“For Sam.” Gabe looked at Sam then back at his cousin. “I quit working for Lucifer for Sam. I wanted to prove to myself I didn't need that life. You don't have to be the same as you have been, Michael.” 

Michael couldn't bring himself to make eye contact. “I've done terrible things to you and worse to my brother.” 

Gabe nodded, “I forgive you. But you need to prove to Cas you've changed. He's terrified of you, Michael.” 

Sam saw a change in Michael. He recognized the same thing he'd gone through during rehab. He saw Michael make a decision to be better. 

Sam returned home and made Gabe go to work. “Before you lose your job, please.” Gabe kissed him and promised to see him later. 

Dean saw how happy Sam was. “Is he moving in too? Because you're going to need a job if he does.” 

Sam blushed. “No, Dean, it's not like that.” 

Dean eyed his brother. “Not yet.” Sam's face blanched. “Don't give me that look. I know you. You're falling for him and hard. You either slow down before you get hurt or you act on it.” 

Sam disappeared to his room. He thought of what his brother had said. His breathing was erratic. Was he really falling for Gabriel? Was that a bad thing? Sam shook his head. He reminded himself he'd just gotten out of rehab. It was too soon to be contemplating something like that. 

Dean made Sam disappear and turned to the living room. “Exciting enough for you?” he asked and smirked at a half-naked Cas. 

“Finish me,” he begged quietly. Dean replaced the gag into Cas’s mouth and sucked him until he came. 

Dean cleaned up Cas and changed his own pants. “That was unexpected,” he said as he kissed Cas. “Do you think Michael might have hurt Sam?” 

Cas shrugged. “I don't think he cares who he hurts.” He hated his brother. “I'm glad I don't ever have to go back there.” 

“What if he invites us over sometime?” Dean asked. 

“I won't go,” he replied flatly. “Please don't invite him over again. I wished you had told me. I wouldn't have stayed.” 

Dean held Cas to him. “You would have bailed on my brother's welcome home dinner?”

“Yes, no, I don't know. Dean, you know what he's done to me. You invited that monster over without asking me.” Cas was upset. 

Dean saw Cas was slipping into freak out mode. He tried to hold his hands and touch the collar. “Cas, I'm sorry. After you told me what he did, I thought Adam would be good for him.” 

“Did you even think about me?” Cas moved away from Dean and stood. 

“Let me take care of you. You're sub dropping hard. Come here.” Dean stood behind him and wrapped him in his arms. “I always think of you. I do what I can to protect you.” 

“How was bringing him here protecting me?” Fear was evident in his voice. 

Dean turned Cas to face him. “I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?” 

“It doesn't matter. He knows I'm living here and knows where you live now.” Cas was looking to run. “You broke your promise,” he whispered. 

“You live here too. This is your home too. Cas, I haven't broken my promise to protect you. He hasn't hurt you.” Dean was trying to convince Cas. 

Cas looked away. “Purple. You weren't honest with me. It hurts,” he whispered. 

Dean leaned his forehead against Cas’s. “That was never my intention, baby. Please, I'm sorry.” 

Cas shook. “How can I trust you?” 

Dean stared at Cas. “Am I losing you because I want you to always be safe? Setting him up with Adam was supposed to distract him or even change him.”

Cas started shutting down. “I don't know if I can do this, Dean.” 

“Cas, please don't go back to his place. If you don't want to be with me, take the extra room.” 

Dean was heartbroken. He couldn't help but show it. He walked back to his room and sat on the bed. He held his face in his hands. “I wanted to tell you I love you,” he whispered to himself. He was unaware that Cas was standing in the door. 

“You do?” He startled Dean. 

Dean looked up quickly and wiped his eyes. “I've been trying to tell you. I just didn't know how. I love you, Cas.” He looked down. “But I understand. I messed up.” 

Cas came across the room and knelt in front of him. “I think you were right. I am dropping. It doesn't feel right in here.” He motioned to his head. “I don't want to leave you, Dean.” 

Dean reached for his hands. “Cas, I'm sorry. I never want to hurt you in any way.” 

Cas smirked. “Leaving me lying on the couch with a hard-on was not fair.” 

Dean smiled. He kissed Cas. “You liked it. Almost getting caught by Sam was hot.” 

Cas kissed him. “We should try more things.”

“More? The past three months haven't been exciting enough for you?” Dean found this arousing. “I think there's some things we haven't tried yet. I still refuse to spank you. I won't do that to you.” 

Cas looked at him hungrily. “It sounds fun.” 

“No, Cas, I won't do it. I won't hurt you.” Dean was adamant. “But there are other things we haven't done yet.”

Cas pushed Dean back onto the bed with a kiss. “What did you have in mind?” 

Dean saw Sam in the hallway and looked back at Cas. “Maybe sound-proofing our room and getting a lock for the door.” 

Cas smiled. “I am loud, aren't I?” They both laughed. 

Dean joined Sam in the kitchen. “Michael didn't do anything, did he?”

Sam leaned against the counter while he drank water. “Actually, I think he's changed or wants to. He realized he had been angry with himself the whole time and was taking it out on Gabe and Cas. Why didn't any of you tell me?”

Cas stepped around the corner having heard the whole thing. “I didn't tell Dean. He figured it out when we first met. Gabe was worried about you so badly that he didn't want to say anything.” 

“I'm not a broken thing you need to tiptoe around. None of you.” He looked pointedly at Dean. “Gabe should have told me.”

Dean ran his hand through his hair. “Sam, he knew how to take care of you and I didn't even know there was a problem. Go easy on him.” 

Sam nodded. “Michael didn't say anything about me being there. Actually, he asked us questions.” Sam noticed a strange look on Cas. “He sounded unsure of himself. I think he really likes Adam and isn't sure how to handle that. Good eye, Dean.” He smiled.


	11. Chapter 11

M: Can we talk?

C: why? After everything, you did to me? No. 

Cas rejected Michael again. It was the third time his brother had tried to talk to him. He ignored phone calls and texts. 

“It's been awhile, Cas. Maybe he has changed? Adam can't shut up about him. It's disgusting.” Dean made a face. 

“I'm not ready to face him.” Cas refused to look at Dean. “He can jump off a cliff.”

Dean turned his face toward his own. “You don't mean that.”

“I do. He messed me up. He made me afraid to touch you. He made me afraid of you. No, he doesn't deserve to talk to me.” Cas was bitter. 

Dean stared deep into his eyes. “You stayed with him for a long time until me. You love your brother, somewhere in that beautiful heart of yours. I know you do.” He held his face gently. “It's why you're so bitter right now because it hurt so badly.”

Cas looked down. “He can't have changed. Maybe Adam is hurting too?” 

Dean raised an eyebrow. “That kid wears short sleeve shirts and cut off shorts when he can get away with it. I haven't seen anything on him.” 

Cas took a deep breath. “Should I talk to him?”

“He is your brother,” Dean said. “Want me to be there?”

Cas shook his head. He tapped the collar. “You always are.” 

Cas met with Michael somewhere public. He wasn't taking any chances. He'd told Dean that he would call if he needed him. Michael sat at the table across from him. 

“Get what you want. I've got the check,” Michael told him. “No catch.”

Cas ordered a slice of pie and Michael ordered a snack. “You wanted to talk. So talk.” 

Michael shifted in his seat. “I've been the worst brother to you. Castiel, I'm sorry. I just want you to know I'm truly sorry.” 

Cas waited for the other shoe to drop. Michael was likely to say something nasty. Instead, Michael looked ashamed. “Why should I believe you? You accused Dean of controlling me, but really it was you doing that.”

“This isn't me trying to control you. That first night I went home with Adam wasn't for sex.” Michael had never confided in Cas. “He saw how miserable I was and kept flirting with me to make me uncomfortable. When I left the party, so did he. He confronted me outside. He saw how you reacted to me being there.” Michael focused his gaze on his food. “He took me to his place to give you, Dean, Sam, and Gabe time together.”

Cas wasn't sure if he could believe Michael. He ate his pie in silence. Michael waited for him to speak, but Cas didn't. 

“We talked all night. He didn't judge me, but he made me realize what a dick I've been to you. I know I can't take any of it back, but I wish I could.” It was written on his face how horrible he felt. 

Cas shocked the both of them. “I don't. I'd go through it all again if it meant meeting Dean and being happy. He takes care of me.”

“Which I should have been doing instead of hurting you.” Michael tried to hold back the stinging in his eyes. “I'm sorry, little brother.”

Cas stared at his empty plate. “All those times you made fun of me and beat me for being gay, do you regret it?”

“Yes,” Michael answered quietly. 

“That last really bad time when you bashed my head against the counter, do you remember that night?” Cas looked at him with hurt in his eyes. 

Michael shook his head. “I was drunk. I only know because of the wicked hangover the next morning and then seeing you on the floor with Dean.”

Cas looked out the window of the restaurant. “That night you pushed me against the sink and pushed up against me.” He took a shaky breath. “Michael, you were one step from molesting me.” He slowly looked back at his brother. A tear ran down Michael’s face. “I've never been more scared of you than I was that night.” 

Michael closed his eyes. “Castiel, I don't know what to say. No apology is good enough to make up for what I've done.”

Cas twisted his collar around his wrist. The bead caught his gaze. He knew Dean would encourage him to mend their relationship since they were brothers. “Dean takes care of Sam. Even when Sam messed up and almost died, he never once thought of hurting his brother. What did I do to make you hate me all those years ago?” 

Michael was surprised Cas was still sitting there and talking to him. “I know it's not your fault that dad left, but I used to blame you. You were sick a lot, and dad hated coming home and taking care of you. I tried, but you always got worse when I did. So he bailed and I had to take care of both of us. I only knew what he'd taught me. That's no excuse.” 

“I want to believe you've changed. I want to believe you feel bad for what you've done.” He played with his collar to keep himself calm. “But how can I?” 

“Let me prove it to you. Would you be willing to come over once a week and just do something as brothers?” Michael asked nervously. He noticed Cas avoiding eye contact and constantly touching the bracelet on his arm. “Dean can come too. I want you to trust me, but I have to earn that.”

“Dean works a lot. If he can't make it, I won't go.” Cas set the boundaries. “It can't be your place.”

Michael showed his hands in surrender. “Wherever you want. You used to like playing monopoly when you were little. Do you still like it?” 

“Can I be the car?” He knew Michael had always been the car. 

“Yes, I'll pick another piece.” He smiled realizing his brother had agreed to have a game night with him. 

Cas changed subjects. “So you said you haven't slept with Adam? Why do Gabe and Sam think you have?”

“Uh, well, they kind of assumed after I came home to find their clothes all over the place. I just didn't correct them.” He shifted in his seat. “They don't need to know the truth,” he added softly. “Only you.”

“But you hurt Gabriel a lot too.” Cas tried to stay calm. 

“I know. Mostly I did it because he was protecting you and I was angry he was in my way.” Michael sighed. “I don't deserve it, but he forgave me.” 

“He's a pretty good judge of character. He just likes to fix the messed up parts of people a little too much,” Cas noted. 

Michael paid their bill and they set a date for family game night. Sam and Gabe happened to be there when Michael came over for game night. Gabe turned into a frantic child when he saw the game in his hands. “Please let us play,” he begged. 

“But we had plans,” Sam said. “Let them have this one.” He kissed Gabe on the top of his head. Gabe pouted but conceded and they left for their date. 

Dean watched Michael carefully all night. He kept count of how many beers he drank. He also kept watch of Cas and how he was handling this. Michael didn't do anything he used to do. “Here, the car, like you asked,” Michael said as they set up the game. He handed Cas the piece. 

Dean wound up being banker and rule keeper. He called it when either of them started cheating. “Babe, you can't do that. You're in jail.” Cas pouted slightly. “Michael, you have to build the houses evenly, not one house at a time.”

Hours and several beers later, Dean called the game. “Nope, you're both done. You are both cut off from this damn game. Count up if you're still sober enough. Michael, are you safe to drive?” 

Michael nodded and counted up his part of the game. Cas beat him. “You always were pretty good at this game,” he told his younger brother. “Tonight was fun.” He shook Dean's hand, but Cas flinched. “It'll take time. I know.” 

“Cas,” Dean said once Michael was gone. “Are you okay?” 

Cas picked up beer bottled. “I'm fine.” 

Dean stopped him. “No, really, Cas.” 

“I'm not sure. I'm still angry and hurt. How can I trust him when I'm too afraid to be alone with him?” Cas breathed deeply as he stared into Dean's green eyes. 

“You were okay at the cafe with him, right?” Dean asked. 

Cas shuffled his feet slightly. “It's a public place and your work is just a few blocks away. That's why I picked it.” 

“So go there again with him. Do it until you feel safer being around him. I saw him really try tonight. But I saw you too. He hurt you deeply and for a very long time.” Dean held him. “You were really strong tonight.” 

Cas leaned into him enjoying the moment. “Thank you for always being there for me, even when I pushed you away.” 

Dean kissed him. “I love you, Cas. I wouldn't do it for anyone else.” 

Cas broke the next kiss. “I,” he spoke slowly as if thinking hard about his words, “love you too.” 

Dean crushed his lips with his own. He was happier than he'd ever been.


	12. Chapter 12

Gabe called Lucifer and cussed him out. Sam only heard part of the conversation. Gabe was fuming when he came back into the room where Sam was waiting for him. 

“What was all that?” Sam asked. He had no idea how to calm Gabe. He was very rarely mad let alone this angry. 

Gabe was shaking with anger. “He knows I'm out, but he sent some junkie to find me. He wants me back. He can go fuck himself. Brother or not, I don't care. I'm out!” He was pacing and shaking. “I've been out for months. Why the hell would he send one now?” Gabe realized why. “Oh, he thinks he can get you back if he gets me back. That ridiculous!”

Sam watched him. “Would you ever go back? For any reason?” 

Gabe stopped. “No, Sam, I would never do that to you. It's too big of a risk for you.” 

“What about for you?” Sam asked carefully. “I know you liked working for him.” 

“I quit because I didn't want to be the reason you went back to him. If you ever get back on drugs, I just don't want to be a reason,” he struggled to say how he felt. “Sam, I can't lose you like that.” 

“Then be honest with me. Why did I find this in your bag?” He held up a pink piece of paper. “It's dated a month ago, not long after I got out of rehab.”

Gabe's face fell. “I lost my job, but I didn't want you to think I’d failed.”

“Where's the money been coming from?” Sam asked sternly. “Lucifer doesn't do anything for free, not even for his family.”

Gabe shoved his hands in his pockets. “I've been running drugs for him. I wouldn't, couldn't, be a fixer again. But I'm a runner.”

“The delivery boy?” Sam stared. “You said we couldn't be together if I was Lucifer’s client. You never said anything about you.”

Gabe knew he was losing Sam. “I have been looking for normal jobs.”

“That's not the problem. You should have told me. You know Dean made me get a job. I could've helped you.” Sam was disappointed. “Gabe, I can't do this.”

Gabe reached out for Sam. He sadly searched the man’s face. “Do I have any chance of getting you back?”

Sam faced him. “I'm not gone yet. Quit working for Lucifer. Talk to me when you have.” 

Sam didn't hear from Gabe for a couple of days. He got no responses to texts or calls. “Just please be alive.” Sam watched the news and saw that there was another drive by in the area Lucifer worked out of. 

He debated on it for hours before he called Lucifer. “Where is he?”

“Hi, Sam, it's nice to hear from you, but you don't do business with me anymore. I don't have time for you.” Lucifer was about to hang up. 

“Where's Gabriel?” Sam practically shouted.   
Lucifer laughed. “Someone's tense. I can help you for a fee. Why do you care about my little brother?”

“Look, just tell me if he's okay. Luce, please, Michael finally stopped hurting him. He was doing great,” Sam pleaded. 

“Lying to your boyfriend is naughty, Gabe,” Lucifer said taunting someone who was whimpering in the background. 

“Gabe!” Sam started freaking out. “Lucifer, let him go!” 

“Or what, ginormo?” Lucifer didn't give Sam a chance to respond. “Look, he owes me for about two grand in drugs he ‘lost.’ I'm just getting it the way I do.”

Sam thought for a moment. He'd been saving money since rehab putting away what he used to spend on heroin. “I have the money. It's yours if you don't hurt him.”

“And if I have?” Lucifer was enticed. 

“The amount will go down if he's hurt.” Sam was serious. “I'll meet you at the same place as I used to in one hour.”

Sam met with Lucifer. “Let me see him first,” he demanded. 

“What is he worth to you, Sam?” Lucifer gave a sly smile. 

Sam clenched his jaw and didn't answer. “I thought Michael was the dick. You're worse.” 

“Oh, I don't know about that.” Lucifer leaned against the building. “Michael didn't some pretty fucked up things to little Gabe. At least what I'm doing is just business.” 

“I have the money. Just let Gabe go.” He had an envelope in his hands. 

Lucifer made a face. “I want something more than money. First, it was just principle. I couldn't let my own brother slide for ‘losing’ that much. He's been stealing from me and selling on his own for weeks now. I caught him stealing my clients too.” 

“Really? Lying, Lucifer?” Sam shifted. “What do you want?”

Lucifer pulled something out of his pocket. “If you want him.” He held out his hand. 

Sam’s face dropped. “That's low.” His breathing was slow. He stared at the drugs and tools in Lucifer’s hands. 

A wicked look crossed Lucifer’s face. “You want it. You need it. Does Gabriel know how badly you need it?”

“I don't need it,” he said shakily. 

Lucifer stepped forward and pressed it into Sam's hand. “You do and you will if you want your lover back.” 

Sam stumbled into the room where Gabe was being held. He was tied up in a chair. He saw the blood on Gabe's face. “Gabe,” he breathed. He crouched before him and touched his face. “I'm getting you out of here.”

Gabe looked up. “Oh, Sammy, no. No.” Gabe almost had tears in his eyes. “This was all a ploy by Lucifer to get back at you.”

“He won't hurt you now.” Sam leaned against him heavily. 

Gabe looked past Sam at Lucifer. “I hate you, brother. You killed Kali and now you're trying to kill Sam?” Sam's head fell into his lap. “Sam, no! Sammy, stay with me.” He glared at Lucifer. “You got what you wanted, bastard. Untie me!” 

Lucifer cut the ropes holding Gabe. “If he lives, he's mine.” He sauntered toward the door. “Oh, and thank him for the nice payday.” 

“Sam? Sammy, stay with me. Stay with me,” he begged. He ran his hands through Sam's hair. “I love you. I need you.” 

Sam groaned. “Gabe.” His breathing was ragged. “Did it for you. To save you.”

Gabe was in tears. “Sammy, baby, stay with me.” He held Sam as he cried. He could feel his breathing slow down and his heart rate slowed. Gabe dug around in Sam's pockets and dialed 911. “Sam, hold on for me. Baby, please, look at me. Look at me,” he begged. 

Sam's eyes fluttered shut. Gabe cried and kept trying to keep him conscious. He laid him on the ground and performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. “I can't lose you,” Gabe whispered.


	13. Chapter 13

Sam's funeral was two days later. Gabe hadn't spoken to anyone. He had called Dean and that was the last time he'd spoken to anyone. Dean was a wreck. Cas did his best to take care of Dean and Gabe. Michael helped as much as Cas would let him. 

“I don't get it. You were doing good. You were happy,” Dean spoke to his brother's body in the casket. “What changed?”

Cas silently held his hand. He wondered what had happened to Sam. They knew he had died from an overdose, but Cas sensed there was something more. Gabe stayed by the wall and tried to blend in with the shadows. Cas squeezed Dean's hand lightly letting him know he'd be back. He went over to Gabe. 

“Want to say goodbye to him?” Cas asked. Gabe shook his head. “Want to tell me what really happened?” Gabe looked at Cas with tears in his eyes and shook his head. “Tell me sometime. You can't bear this alone.” 

Gabe let Cas hug him. He broke and sobbed into Cas’s shirt, soaking it. Cas held his cousin. “Did you ever tell him you loved him?” 

Gabe nodded. “It was too late,” he whispered. “He was dying in my arms.” 

“He loved you, even if he never said it. He proved it to you.” Cas was speaking in a quiet, calming tone. “He never said it, but I know he loved you.” 

Gabe turned away. “I-I can't watch.” He saw the casket being closed and lowered into the ground. 

Cas flagged down Michael, motioning for him to come over. “Watch Gabe. He's not okay. I need to take care of Dean.” 

Michael nodded somberly. “I got it.” Michael joined Gabe. He didn't say anything to Gabe. He held out an arm for a hug and Gabe leaned into him as silent tears streamed down his face. 

Dean let a few tears slide down his face as the casket was lowered into the ground. Cas held him. “Gabe should stay with us,” Dean said softly. “He's family. It's what Sam would want.”

Dean and Cas turned to find Gabe and found that he'd given Michael the slip. Michael was looking for him too. “I'm sorry. I lost him. You're right, Cas. He's in a bad place. Any idea where he went?”

They searched all over for Gabe. Cas found him huddled up against himself in Sam's room. Cas sat beside him. “You had us all worried.” 

Gabe sighed. “Cas, I can't take it. It's too much.” He shook. “This was his.” In his hands was a tourniquet. “I kept it as a reminder he left that life.”

Cas took the tourniquet from him and fashioned it into a bracelet. “He's always with you.” He put the bracelet on Gabe. “What happened, Gabe? Why did he go back to drugs?”

Gabe stared at the floor. “It's my fault. It's my fault he's dead. He wouldn't have done it if it hadn't been for me.” He put his head in his hands and cried. “He shouldn't be dead. It should be me.” 

Cas put his hand on Gabe's shoulder. “What do you mean it's your fault?” he asked quietly. He hated that his cousin blamed himself for Sam's death. 

Gabe took a shaky breath. He stared at the floor. “Lucifer gave me a job as a runner after I got let go from my other job. I hid it from Sam and we had a fight when he found out. I didn't want him to worry. I wasn't a fixer anymore.” He stared at the bracelet. “Sam wasn't speaking to me for a day or so. He said he needed time to think. Lucifer took me and held me captive during that time and tricked Sam into thinking I owed my brother money.”

“Lucifer did this to you?” Cas pointed to the injuries on Gabe's face. 

Gabe nodded. “He forced Sam to take heroin to save me.” He couldn't control his tears anymore. “He did it to save me.”

Dean was quietly standing in the doorway, listening to Gabe. He didn't want to disturb them. 

“You're not responsible for his death, Gabe. Lucifer is,” Cas said softly. 

“Can I just be alone for a while?” he asked. He looked up and saw Dean in the door and froze. 

Dean said, “Stay here. He’d want you to.” 

Cas and Dean left Gabe alone in Sam's room. “He can stay as long as he wants,” Dean said. 

Cas continued to take care of Dean who was handling his brother's death better than either of them thought he would. Gabe barely left Sam's room. He only ate when Cas made him. 

One day, Dean went in to check on Gabe and saw blood on the floor. “Cas! Call 911!” He rushed to Gabe who was barely conscious. “Gabe, what were you thinking?” He asked as he applied pressure to the wound. 

“I can't do it without him.” Tears rolled down his face. “I'm all alone.” 

“No, no, you're not, Gabe,” Dean reassured him.

“Yes, I am. Lucifer is dead to me. Sam is dead.” Gabe sniffled. “I can be with him again this way.” 

Dean kept checking his wrists to stem the flow of blood. “Gabe, you're not alone. Cas and I, we're your family. Michael too. You don't need Lucifer. Sammy would never want you to die. You said he was trying to save you.” Gabe was losing color in his face from blood loss. “Sam would have done anything for you. But he would never let you do this.” 

Gabe was taken to the hospital, and when he was released, Michael picked him up. He took Gabe home and packed his stuff for him. “You're moving in with Dean and Cas. They insisted.” 

He took Gabe over to Dean and Cas’s house. Gabe stared at Sam's old room. He took a deep breath. “I can't do this.” He turned to run away. 

Dean blocked his path. “I meant it. You're family. We take care of our family. Sammy loved you, and that's good enough for me.” 

Michael heard Dean and tried to slip out quietly. “Michael,” Cas stopped him. “Thank you for helping lately.” Michael nodded. “How are things with Adam?” 

Michael tried not to show his excitement that Cas was talking to him. “He gets me.” Michael blushed. 

“Does he make you happy?” Cas was curious. Michael smiled and nodded. “Good.” Michael turned to leave. “Michael, Dean is right. You're family too.”

Michael faced Cas and smiled. He hugged his brother. “Love you, little brother.”

Cas hugged him back after freezing for a second. He knew life was far too short not to forgive Michael. “I love you too, Michael.”


	14. Chapter 14

It took some time but Gabe began to learn how to cope with Sam's death. Michael had suggested counseling. 

“No, I don't need some shrink to tell me how to deal with this.” Gabe didn't like the idea. “Shrinks are expensive anyway.”

“Don't worry about cost,” Cas said. “We'll take care of it, but you need to do something. And yes, I took all of the sharp items from your room.” 

Michael found himself at ease with his next words. “You're family, Gabriel. We want you to be okay.”

Gabe nodded. “I don't know if I can.” He stood. “Set it up. I'll try it, but I won't make any promises.” 

Cas arranged for him to meet with a counselor. Gabe went reluctantly. 

The counselor easily saw through Gabe. She knew he didn't want to be there as soon as he walked in the door. “I'm surprised the hospital didn't mandate therapy for you.” 

“Yeah, well, whatever. I promised my cousins I’d give this a shot.” Gabe avoided looking at the therapist. He wanted to pretend he was elsewhere. 

“Why do they want you in therapy?” It was the simplest question. 

Gabe found himself spilling his guts. He told her everything about Sam and how he died. He talked for the entire session. The counselor suggested that Gabe find a way to get closure. She advised he not be around his brother. 

“Yeah, no problem there. I hate him,” Gabe said sourly. 

He left his session feeling no better than he had. Cas had dropped him off. He was supposed to meet Dean at the mechanic shop where he worked. Gabe took a walk.

It was late in the afternoon when he found himself in the cemetery. He walked to Sam's grave as if he'd done it a thousand times. He knew precisely where it was. 

He knelt on the grass in front of the grave. “Hey, Sammy,” he choked on his words. “I miss you. I'm sorry I never told you I loved you until it was too late. Maybe you would still be here.” Tears flowed down his face. “You never said it, but I know you loved me. I, uh, I couldn't handle it when I lost you.” He exposed his wrists. “Dean and Cas said you would be disappointed in me. I know they're right. But I needed to tell you. Michael tries to help. I think he really liked you as a part of the family.” 

Gabe picked at the grass. “I’d have brought a beer, but you wouldn't like it wasted like that.” He twisted the rubber tourniquet turned bracelet. “I kept the tourniquet from your first overdose. It reminded me that you were out so I could be too. I'm sorry I failed you. I should have been honest with you. I should have told you everything.” He breathed deeply. “I wanted to tell you I love you. I wanted to spend my life with you.” 

He wiped his tears away and stood. “I miss you, Sammy. I'll try to live like you wanted me to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry my fics have been pretty dark lately and apparently getting darker. I promise my next one will not be dark.


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